Sometimes, ridiculous policies emerge out of mindless political fervor among the student body, which creates the illusion of serious demand for their enactment. In times like those, it becomes necessary for high-minded pricks, such as myself and those I speak for, to object and return to Reason her stolen voice, of which she is all too frequently robbed by the ideological discourse of those who seek to fix the world by making everyone miserable.
We hold these truths to be self evident and empirically verifiable, that the morning is a time of suffering for all, athletes and non-athletes alike. That many students lack the time or energy to sit, enjoy breakfast and begin to greet the day in a manner befitting any dignified human being before running off to class. That most students are in a rush most mornings and must cover sizable distances to attend class. That no person, no matter how agile, is capable of running with a lidless beverage and not spilling a drop. That in the JA dining hall, the residents of south campus eat what’s on the breakfast menu when it is some form of egg sandwich and that they do not when it is a quiche or bucket of scrambled eggs. They choose, instead, to toast bagels and spread cream cheese upon them or to eat cereal. That the demand for bagels and cream cheese is high, but the adequate time, resources and space to toast them is unavailable to the large number of students who try to do so. That those who do not have time to make their own breakfast, or snag an egg McConn, simply do without it and that such a practice is unhealthy.
It is apparent to me from these observations that the following requests—while they may be in favor of the American capitalist machine, run counter to the project of sustainability, which is wrongly assumed to be the goal and virtue of everyone at this college—would not be considered unreasonable.
First, that the egg McConn or egg and cheese bagel be served for breakfast at least 3 times a week in the dining halls of south campus. Second, that the disposable cups hitherto joyfully employed by a great many students in the goal of keeping their eyes open during morning classes not only be kept, but that an additional option of “large” be provided so that a student’s coffee may last longer in class. Third, that to prevent spilling, lids be provided for these cups. Fourth, that alternative toaster technology be explored so that more people can toast more bagels in a more efficient manner so that everyone can have breakfast and make it to class on time. Last, and possibly most important, that we investigate environmentally-friendly methods by which to dispose of our apparently harmful but necessary accruals of trash as a campus so that we may keep the irrational environmentalists happy and still maintain some modicum of the best morning liberties that Americans were given as a result of our great capitalist engine: the morning coffee in a disposable cup, and the breakfast sandwich that we can eat on the go. A point of clarification: when I say, “ourselves as a campus” I do not mean the students and suggest that we change our behavior, I mean quite the opposite—that a new department be formed to safely deal with the disposal of trash in a way that would not be harmful to the environment. •