After a summer of inspiration from the domestic goddess Hannah Hart, host of YouTube’s My Drunk Kitchen series, and the magic of Pinterest, The College Voice has decided to embark on its own culinary adventure. Each week, we will either write a column or upload a video of us attempting to make “real” food using the “ingredients” found in Harris. Attempts will vary in legitimacy, because sometimes it’s easy to just lose all hope. We also double as an existential advice column if you’re into that shit. (Hey, philosophy majors, what up?)
For our first attempted meal, we bring you THE PREGNATIST. Named after our favorite reality TV star’s pregnant teenage sister, this dish is perfect for those who want the nutrition of a salad combined with the glory of Sunday Sundae all in your mouth at once. It’s also perfect for people who wish to be asked several times if you are pregnant (and when you’re due) on the arduous journey between the sundae bar and your table. We used key ingredients offered by both the salad and sundae bars (we like bars!). Two courses, one bowl. All fabulous.
Start at the sundae bar. We recommend the soft serve because scooping ice cream is unnecessarily difficult and it really sucks to realize this as you’re standing there fighting with the scoopers and people are behind you being super impatient with your lack of upper body strength. Once you’ve gotten over that shame, add all the toppings because eating your feelings is the only way to go. We used crushed Oreos, mini mallows, shredded coconut, Reese’s pieces, chocolate sprinkles and crushed M&Ms. After this, it gets a little out of control because while ice cream is delicious, you haven’t eaten fruit or vegetables in five days and you’re afraid of getting scurvy. So to the salad bar you go with your bowl full of sugar.
Cucumbers make sense because they are cool and so is ice cream. So slap three of those suckers on and ignore the stares that accumulate from people making real salads. The Gherkin pickles look a little jealous, so they can come, too. What’s a sundae without whipped cream? Answer: not a sundae. So back to the sundae bar you go with your salad sundae but not without a few of your friends stopping to tell you how disgusting your dessert looks. Add all the whipped cream that is socially acceptable. Wait, what about a cherry on top, you ask? We’ll do you one better. Head back to the salad bar and add a cherry tomato. We might have poor taste in food, but at least we have our wit.
As you start to doubt the validity of your creation, add a dash of hot sauce because someone told you one time that hot sauce fixes everything. I mean, you’re already unconventional, so why not? Fight the system of what is “healthy” or “normal”!
Now the trek back to your table. Nine out of ten of your friends think you’re a freak, and the other three ask if you’re pregnant. This proves nothing except that you’re bad at math and probably should have someone else mixing your ingredients because ratios, what? You may become embarrassed, so grab a napkin and gracefully cover your “sundae” until you reach your table. Then, reveal your masterpiece to your friends who fake vomit and/or leave. Check your phone because you got a text from someone nearby that says, “IS THERE A CUCUMBER IN YOUR SUNDAE?” Respond, “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.” But they will worry, and they will walk over to see for themselves if you are suffering from head trauma or impaired vision.
Once everyone has simmered down (eh, eh? Cooking jokes?), you realize that you actually have to eat this creation. You decide to Instagram the picture instead because Harris food photos are socially acceptable no matter what The College Voice staff says. You sniff a cucumber. It’s covered in whipped cream and hot sauce and chocolate ice cream. You grow uncomfortable. You made a monster and don’t know how to get rid of it. I mean, this is delicious and you should try it for yourselves.
Send all recommendations, responses and recipes (nothing unless it starts with R) to firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com. Happy eating!