The LGBT community is well organized in its political push for liberty. Yet not all LGBT people choose to identify themselves as part of the gay community. For example, when disclosing their sexual orientation to others, some gay men will say something along the lines of “I’m gay, but straight-acting.”
What do these men mean when they say they are “straight acting?” To engage in “straight” behaviors is to be romantically and sexually involved with people of the opposite gender. It’s pretty clear that this is not what these gay men claim to be doing when they identify with this term. Based on a strict social binary around sexual orientation, one could also argue that to “act straight” is to expressly not “act gay.” Are these gay men denying themselves their homosexuality? That certainly isn’t the case either. So how can some gay men “act straight” while others “act gay?” There must be some subtext within these terms that have meaning beyond sexual orientation.
Eddie Paulino ’17 believes that gay men who use the term “straight acting” are addressing their sense of masculinity rather than their sexual orientation. He believes claiming to “act straight perpetuates an association with masculinity.” Many gay men maintain an association that straight men are masculine, and conversely, gay men are feminine. These limiting binaries, however, are obviously not true for all individuals within those categories.
Historically, gay men’s masculinity has been challenged because the desire for men is typically associated with femininity. Queer theorist Eve Sedgwick observes how a fundamental tactic in the gay rights movement has been to emphasize the idea that the traditional American man can be gay and still be masculine. In her essay How to Bring Your Kids up Gay she notes that the gay rights movement needs “to interrupt a long tradition of viewing gender and sexuality as continuous and collapsible categories – a tradition of assuming that anyone, male or female, who desires a man must by definition be feminine…”
A method used by anti-gay groups to delegitimize their fight for rights was essentially to emasculate them. The gay rights movement needed to assert the fact that men can be gay while retaining their sense of masculinity in order to advance towards equality.
But what does being masculine encompass? What are the defining characteristics of a masculine man? Many groups and individuals have various ideas about the definition of masculinity. Reddit.com, a content-aggregating social media site, has a subcommunity of self-identified masculine gay men called /r/gaybros. /r/gaybros’ description states, “Gaybros is a men’s interest community built around shared interests. This is our man-cave corner of the internet where we talk about sports, cars, grilling, video games, military issues, working out, gadgets and gear.”
While it is a welcoming community that accepts people from all walks of life, /r/gaybros asserts that in order to be a gay “bro,” one must express an interest in the aforementioned subjects. Given the close societal association between “bro” culture and masculinity, one can argue that /r/gaybros’ definition of masculinity is an active enthusiasm for the above interests.
But /r/gaybros is not the authority on masculinity; in fact, every individual has their own ideas on what it means to be masculine. Another gay male Conn student, who asked to remain anonymous, believed that masculinity is defined as being “muscular,” “strong-willed” and “self-sufficient.” So which one is it? Is masculinity just an interest in a particular set of hobbies, or does it have more meaning in the manner in which someone holds himself?
The only absolute truth that we know about masculinity is that it is explicitly not feminine.
On dating and hook-up apps like Grindr and Tinder, the phrase “masc only” appears often. Some users, while searching for compatible partners, place this blanket statement on their profiles to denote the type of gay men they are looking for: someone who is not “feminine.” Since there is no societal consensus on an exact definition of masculinity, this is often viewed by “non-masc” gay men as a dig against them in addition to a sexual preference.
Paulino believes that this aversion towards feminine men within the gay community comes from the fact that “a lot of [gay] people were told that being feminine means that you’re gay. [“Masc only”] is a form of internalization.” Many men feel the social pressure to subscribe to traditional gender roles with regards to masculinity. And they have every right to – the gay rights movement fought very hard for men to be both homosexual and masculine. This, however, has resulted in an unintended exclusion of feminine gay men from contemporary discourse. Because our society is oppressive toward non-males, masculinity, even within the gay community, is placed on a pedestal.
Even from within the community specific to gay men, there still exists a form of gendering exhibited by this divide between masculine and feminine performances. Masculine gay men, those who have more social value, use terms like “straight-acting” and “masc only” to reaffirm their sense of worth in the other non-gay communities to which they belong. Whether it is intentional or not, these terms are often viewed by feminine gay men as an additional microaggression they frequently encounter, reminding them that they do not fit into their prescribed social role.
Many feminine gay men will tell you that “straight acting” gay men often demean them for their femininity and refusal or inability to abide by these proper social roles. Why is this the case? Why are feminine gay men looked down upon by those within their own community?
The answer is that there still exist sentiments of internalized misogyny within the gay community. Take the common top/bottom discussions that frequently occur between gay men. Tops, the “insertive” sexual partners, are viewed very differently than bottoms, who are the “receptive” sexual partners. There is a common stereotype within the gay community that tops are considered more masculine, and bottoms are considered more feminine. This stereotype derives from the actual act of sex itself – the “receptive partner” in heterosexual sex is feminine (a woman), so in homosexual sex they must be feminine as well.
The misogyny within the gay community becomes clear when analyzing other attitudes towards sexual promiscuity between tops and bottoms. Bottoms frequently get slut shamed – in the same way that women get slut shamed. Meanwhile, tops are rarely looked down upon for being sexually active – in the same way that straight men rarely experience negative reactions towards the knowledge that they are sexually active. This form of slut shaming comes from both tops as well as other bottoms within the community. These gay men unintentionally retain some forms of internalized misogyny when dealing with attitudes towards sex.
I realize that the “straight-acting,” “masc only” gay men who might be reading this may argue that none of this really applies to them because it isn’t their intention when they say it. “It’s just a preference” is a common phrase that I hear. I understand and acknowledge that individuals are not trying to actively preserve a hierarchy of worth within the gay community. But the terms “straight acting” and “masc only” themselves inherently contribute to a negative discourse and conflict within the gay community.
So I ask of my fellow gays reading this: rethink your language when describing yourself and your sexual preferences to others in person and online. Unless you identify as gay yet exclusively pursuing the opposite gender sexually and romantically, refrain from calling yourself “straight-acting.” And for those seeking “masculine men only” – if you are looking for a tall, muscular, gun-toting, steak-grilling, sports-loving hunk, go ahead and pursue him! The gay rights movement has worked hard to give you the ability and freedom to go out and find what you seek. But please don’t describe that type of guy as “straight-acting.” It’s a blanket statement that hurts many people, doesn’t do justice to your preferences and can very well be done without. •
I love this article about how masculine gay men have shown internalized misogyny and shame towards effeminate gay men within the community. It hurts me to the very core that our community has to separate ourselves based on perceived gendered roles in order to gain acceptance from society. It also is a shame that gay men who are neither masculine nor feminine are often shunned by the gay community because of us challenging societal stereotypes and just living life each day with dignity and truth.