Sunday October 25th
5:00 PM: Humans vs. Zombies begins. Continue living life.
6:15 PM: Go to Harris Fine Dining for delicious/nutritious meal. Encounter no zombies. Stand behind someone who looks like Stonewall Jackson. Make overindulgent sundae.
9:30 PM: Visit Coffee Grounds to discuss important human-only matters with respected colleagues. Young freshman humans spout hubris of surviving later than I, much like the Confederacy thinking it will outlast the North. No zombie sightings.
Monday October 26th
4:37 AM: I wake up from a very nice dream where I was eating the world’s largest Orange Creamsicle. Realizing I have to go to the bathroom, I grab a sock and march to the bathroom in my pajamas. No zombies. Went back to sleep.
11:28 AM: Wake up to start the day. Remember that I did not have any more dreams about delicious Orange Creamsicles.
1:45 PM: Eat lunch at Harris. Spot lackluster zombie eating lackluster sandwich. Continue not being impressed.
10:00 PM: Attend scholarly College Voice meeting. Agree to write this diary.
10:13 PM: Discover close friend and top notch zombie survivor Leland Stillman has become a zombie due to weapon malfunction. Grieve. Remind myself not to get dinner with him for the rest of the week.
10:18 PM: Third rate zombies at newspaper meeting make idle threats about my imminent downfall to zombie-dom. Make fun of zombies for arrogance.
10:45 PM: Third rate zombies fail. Return to my room and do work. Wish I had Orange Creamsicle to snack on. Realize paranoia may be influencing unnecessary amounts of Orange Creamsicle jokes.
Tuesday October 27th
11:35 AM-2:30 PM: Take elaborate routes to classes. Outsmart zombies.
HAD HOSTILE ENCOUNTER WITH ZOMBIE. EVENT WENT AS FOLLOWS:
2:34 PM: Exit Blaustein, see zombie follow me. Zombie begins lunge. Well placed sock to head dismantles zombie strategy of shouting and running straight at me. Zombie complains about misfortune.
3:57 PM: Former human discusses existential despair of new zombie status. Needs more time to adjust to new zombie duties. Zombie proceeds to drown sorrows in many beers. Becomes drunk.
5:09 PM: Drunk zombie rudely takes advantage of kindness and invites other zombies to my room, a very large breach in human/zombie etiquette. Drunk Zombie eats all cashews, was not offered cashews, eats anyway. Zombies lose at Wii golf against superior human opponent. Drunk Zombie attempts to tarnish respectable Wii golf record.
5:14 PM: Zombies do not leave despite being asked to, fires my gun at my head while typing human diaries. Drunk zombie falls off chair twice just like an Orange Creamsicle wouldn’t.
5:25 PM: Zombies leave. Drunk zombie tries to steal beer and block of seriously sharp cheddar. Drunk zombie fails. Cheese saved.
6:45 PM: Avoid very obvious dumb zombie ambush in front of Harris. Go to class.
HAD VERY HOSTILE ENCOUNTER WITH MANY ZOMBIES. EVENT WENT AS FOLLOWS:
8:45 PM: Idle zombies who spend day twiddling thumbs surround Blaustein where I have class. Upon leaving class, three zombies reveal they are blocking every exit and more are outside.
8:50 PM – 9:20 PM: One very nosy zombie follows me around and reports my movements back to others. I take time to call grandparents. Lengthy discussion of quilts with Grandmother occurs. Using techniques from The Bourne Supremacy, zombie is ditched like a clingy girl.
9:20 PM – 9:25 PM: Daring escape! Human success. Zombies most likely cry in circle and watch Hannah Montana DVD.
Wednesday October 28th
11:45 AM: Woke up. Attacked by zombie within fifteen minutes of waking up. Stunned Zombie. Not the way I wanted to start the day.
1 PM – 4 PM: Had class. Zombie in class stares at me awkwardly. Feel uncomfortable. Zombies outside of class make familiar threats on life. Leave class unharmed. Zombies most likely watch Jonas Brothers: Live Concert DVD.
6:15 PM: Careless Zombies make presence known as exiting Harris Fine Dining with respected and handsome human companion. Zombies awkwardly attempt ambush. Zombies fail.
9:36 PM: Reflect on lackadaisical zombie attacks. Continue being human.
Thursday October 29th
1:04 AM: Opens door of bathroom to reveal girl wearing bandana two feet away from me. Heart races. Turns out to be hip girl wearing headband instead of zombie. Hip girl comes closer to tagging me than any zombie.
1:00 PM: Overly eager boneheaded zombie opens door to class five minutes early, revealing himself to top tier human players.
1:05 PM: Zombie is easily stunned. Proceed with day.
8:17 PM: Walk out of Blaustein casually. Oblivious zombies let me pass by without making attack.
9 AM -12 AM: Begin hunting zombies for sport. Zombies flee.
Friday October 30th
12:37 AM: Chase zombie around a bush outside of Smith. Coward zombie tries to hide. Zombie stunned.
11AM – 11PM: No longer see zombies. Proceed with day as if the game wasn’t happening
Saturday October 31
11:34 AM – Present: Send an email to my editor with this diary attached. Bored. Still human.
