A spectre is haunting Connecticut College — the spectre of Zombieism. All the powers of old Conn have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre: J-Board and SGA, musician and poet, lax-bro and tour guide. These various assemblies of BRRRRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNSS have joined in a grand collision to both slander and starve those who are most righteous among us: the Zombies.
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of struggles between the living and the undead. Since time immemorial, the living have denied to the Zombie that which is most dear to us and which ensures our survival: BRRRRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNSS. In exchange for your BRRRRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNSS, Zombieism offers to all a vehicle by which to escape the bondage of suffering that is living.
Show me the Zombie who is unequal among his undead brethren! You will find no such Zombie for we have transcended the inequality that so characterizes the society of the living. It is in the horde that all Zombies are equal.
To be a Zombie is to know liberation from desire, pain, jealousy, sickness, hardship, and heartbreak. To be a Zombie is to be released from the shackles of both life and death itself. What a glorious existence you could achieve if only you knew that the Zombie seeks not to destroy your society, but rather to elevate it to the plane of utopia.
Why do you resist us so vehemently? You are simply prolonging the inevitable, for history is on our side. You may quell this outbreak, but we shall rise again. And continue to rise until the last BRRRRAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNSS have been consumed. To facilitate the destruction of the antagonism between living and undead and to expedite humanity’s transcendence of selfish individualism to that of the horde we propose the following:
1. Abolition of all safe zones
2. Prohibition of NERF® guns and balled-up socks
3. Cessation of all attempts to run from the horde
Zombies of the world, unite!
