1. Last night. Chances are, I saw you making a drunken fool of yourself while I was doing the same. Talking about it will only jog my hazy memory. Let’s agree to spare each other the details.
2. This morning. We get it. Does the fact that I’m wearing sunglasses in the library suggest that I’m not hungover? Stop talking. You aren’t helping my headache.
3. How much homework you have. Welcome to college. What were you expecting? I know you didn’t come to New London for the weather. Sit down and procrastinate more quietly – that’s what Facebook is for. Why do you think the rest of us are here?
4. How tired you are. So am I, right? If you wanted to sleep through college you should have gone to Wesleyan. Take a nap, develop an addiction, I don’t care, but don’t use my shoulder as a pillow while you whine.
5. How sick you are. It’s not so much rude as it is really unnerving. Here I thought you had a tickle in your throat, but given the detailed list of symptoms you’ve rattled off, several of which included the word “violent,” you’ve been coughing up God knows what without covering your mouth, and now I’m convinced I’ve got Swine. Thanks.
6. The (guy / girl) you recently (spent the night with / “did”). If it was good, and you’d like it to happen again, don’t talk about it in the library. If it was bad, there’s at least a 50 percent chance it’s your fault. Drink less.
7. How you can’t decide where to go for spring break. Overheard at ConnColl: “She was like, ‘Let’s go to Turks and Caicos!’ but, like, I want to go somewhere different.” The opposite of classy.
8. Potential Floralia Bands. Lil’ Wayne is not coming. Vampire Weekend probably isn’t coming either. But you know who is? The 80s cover band. And that, regardless of the end of your night, remains very, very important. Don’t get uppity, ConnColl.
9. PerezHilton.com. Reading it is one thing; becoming exasperated is quite another. Keep it to yourself, boo. You sound lonely.
10. Food. Let’s be honest – we get too hungry for dinner at six. Please stop talking about pizza, donuts, Paul’s Pasta… brb.
N.B.: Both John and Kiefer have on more than one occasion broken rules 1, 2, 5, and 10. It’s not like these are the ten commandments, just some general rules for the sake of maintaining dignity and avoiding disdain. (For the record, we have not succeeded in either case.)
1. How hard you got kneejerked last night.
2. Who was receiving the kneejerk, and how hard you contemplated it.
3. Or whether Welbith was the one getting kneejerked, or if it was just Jackiss again. Kneeling as usual.
4. It is rarely acceptable to comment on another’s multiple popped collars. This is rude to judge whether o r not they employed starch to get that collar so up and so right, right.
5. Whether or not changing your name to Jacques is a cause for deportation.
6. How much time Harris actually spent sitting on Leidy’s lap.
7. Who was the Larrabee peeping Tom? Maybe someone mentioned previously? Who knows really.
8. The proper technique for flying out of the Freeman Tower, and not exploding on impact.
9. Best Authors to plagiarize your graduation speech from and not get caught by faculty or staff.
10. How long before Waffles McButter lacks the smack down on Jake.
lacks=laying+smackdown
good to see you’re making full use of your college education, baked ham.