On Thursday, April 8, The College Voice’s Leland Stillman sat down with Tennyson Jacob (TJ) Wellman of the Religious Studies department for an interview without any clear, defined purpose.
Leland Stillman: Where are you from?
TJ Wellman: Wilmington, Delaware.
There followed a medium-length conversation about Delaware, which was not nearly so interesting or entertaining as other portions of the interview.
LS: How do you like Conn?
TJW: You’re totally doing this interview off-hand, aren’t you?
LS: Yeah.
TJW: I’ve really enjoyed my time here. I’ve had great relations with faculty and students, and also the support staff, the people in the dining hall, the Campus Safety Officers, everyone.
LS: If you could improve one thing, what would it be?
TJW: I really don’t like the parking situation on campus. I appreciate efforts to make it more car-free, but there’s really no good place to park on campus if you’re coming from off-campus. I’m going to steal a fry.
LS: Go ahead.
TJW: I wasn’t asking, that’s what stealing is.
At this point, Professor Wellman stole said fry.
LS: Anyway, many students know that you like The Lord of the Rings.
TJW: My twisted obsession?
LS: Sure. How old were you when you started reading them?
TJW: I was about four or five, maybe six, when I started watching the Return of the King animated movie that always played on PBS. Then in the fifth grade, a teacher of mine let me borrow a copy of the first book. On my first attempt I got bored with the walking.
LS: You mean through the Emyn Muil?
TJW: Yeah, and even the Dead Marshes are boring. So I put them down, only to pick them up again when my grandmother gave me a boxed set.
LS: Who is your favorite character and why?
TJW: Faramir. He is similar and different from Boromir and Aragorn in ways that make him the best of the Numenoreans. Aragorn is the next level.
At this point, Professor Wellman noticed a moth struggling to penetrate a glass window to return to its normal habitat, outside of Cro. He excused himself with a newspaper, used it to pick up the moth, and carried it out the door. The moth promptly flew back inside. Wellman sighed and said, “I did what I could.” Someone else said, “That moth has a death wish.”
LS: Why do you think The Lord of the Rings is so important?
TJW: I like The Lord of the Rings so much because it deals with themes directly relevant to our questions: questions of moral choice, modernism and tradition, authority, legitimate and illegitimate, and human virtue – what makes someone a good or bad person. Also, Tolkien presents an addiction model of evil that I prefer to others. Once you start doing evil things it becomes harder and harder to stop.
TJW: So that’s the end of the interview?
LS: Yeah.
TJW: You said you would ask me zany questions. (I had said this earlier, though it was before the interview started.)
LS: I thought my questions about Delaware were kind of zany.
TJW: No, they weren’t.
Wellman proceeded to call over one of his students and ask them what was their favorite funny moment in his class. She responded that it was that time he asked what the class wanted to learn about and everyone replied “ZOMBIES.”
LS: If you were King of the World, what would you eat for breakfast tomorrow morning and what would you do afterwards?
TJW: Sleep. Have monkey knife fights.
LS: Good idea.
TJW: Don’t print that.
LS: Ok.
TJW: Do I have ultimate power, or ultimate authority?
LS: Good question. Ultimate authority, because ultimate power is too easy.
TJW: That it is. Now, have I been King of the World for some time or is this my first day?
LS: First day.
TJW: I would end hunger. It’s ridiculous to me that people are starving while grain is rotting in the silos.
LS: That sounds like a good idea to me. And for breakfast?
TJW: Pancakes with maple syrup. Grade B, from Vermont.
LS: If you could ask God one question and receive a written answer, what would you ask?
TJW: What are the winning lottery numbers for post-tax income for 70 million dollars?
LS: If you received that answer, would you still be an agnostic?
TJW: No, I would consider that evidentiary proof.
