Sun’s Out, Guns Out!: A senior predicts spring fashion at ConnColl

As the sun turns on its axis and the season changes from winter to spring to fit our happier dispositions, we, the most prude mammals of New England, inevitably make our quarterly adjustments in body cover. Let’s face it, though, we’ve been in a fashion dead zone ever since James Cameron redefined the verb “to see” with his smurfy multi-dimensional allegory movie. What we did learn from that movie, though, is that the most recurring trend in fashion, spring after spring, is skin. With warm weather comes the inevitable unveiling of more body, more flesh, more elbows and shoulders; more nakey. As Mark Twain once naively wrote, “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” And with that irrelevant quote, here’s my Conn College spring fashion breakdown:

Who are some of the most fashion conscious people on campus? Professors. However, their teacher costumes don’t change much from season to season, so I’ll leave them alone for now. Campus police, if less well-fed and gunless, would be trendsetters in fashion circles with their short-sleeved blue button-downs tucked meticulously into straight leg black pants. They are also almost entirely moustachioed, and a grand photo shoot of them patrolling at Floralia would be a best-seller if they weren’t so adorably bashful and armed. Onward to the students.

Many female students have translated their skin-tight leggings into more modest, breathable running shorts (or just shorter leggings). The casualization of athletic gear is an old trick, but the faux-runner works on a more complex level. By falsely claiming to be runners, they trick everyone all day, and despite never actually running, they get into shape: that’s psychology for ya! If we men could walk around thigh-flaunting without the fear of disseminating our freaky leg hairs we’d be all over this, I assure you.

Hey, ladies: what happened to good-old-fashioned pleated trousers? Pants advice: wide-leg trousies are good in the spring because they: 1) allow cool air to run up the pant legs, refreshing those hot calves, and 2) give you a look that says “My legs are on upside-down.” That’s what I call in-your-pants feminism!

The pantless girls among us are sporting casual sun-dresses, sassing the campus like a pack of hungry brown bears awoken from their thick-sweater hibernations. Other women prefer jeans or leggings (I think cigarette jeans are out – duh), oversized, mock-hipster flannels and canvas shoes that look like they could be torn apart by a stray gust of wind. There are those, of course, who do not fit in to these categories. These women are plotting something. Quick fashion tip: wear underwear almost no matter what.

On to guys.

The majority of dudes settle for tees and jeans, some adorning themselves with droopy or torn cardigans to make a statement about country clubs, others wearing windbreakers to make a statement about wind and others yet dressing consistently, year after freaking year, in pastel button down shirts and khaki shorts, most likely without a conscious statement in mind. This combination, along with being the most class-signifying look in New England, is pure mullet: business attire on the torso, golf party on the down-low, and when necessary, fresh topsiders for showboatin’.

This look is the zenith of style; imitate it at your own risk. Hats advice: Fitted caps and their golden stickers are a good choice to prevent pollen from entering your eye-space, but a poor choice for preventing skull sweat. Compromise? Fitted visors. Good luck finding those at your local Foot Locker. Tip: Build up your beer bellies, this is college.

And that is my utterly comprehensive assessment of fashion at Connecticut College this spring. Any deviations in fashion should be punished. Can’t wait for this summer! Summer of Skin!