People following Melanie's rule number two. Photo from web.
Author’s note: I do not take responsibility for the weird stares or lack of friends that may result from following any of my advice.
1. Don’t be yourself. You’re weird. Just embrace it. You only have friends back home because they’re also weird. When meeting new people, pretend to be a normal, social person and refrain from mentioning the strange quirks that make you you until it’s too late for them to back out of the friendship.
2. Shake hands. The friendship will never be legitimate unless you introduce yourself with a friendly smile and a handshake. It doesn’t matter if you run to disinfect your hand with Purell afterwards; just be polite.
3. Inquire about their lives. Where are you from? What are you majoring in? What classes are you taking? These questions make it appear that you are interested in your potential new friend’s life, even if you aren’t. Let’s be serious: they’re probably from Massachusetts and you couldn’t care less what they want to study unless it’s the same thing as you. And if you do have the same major, you feel a competitive need to achieve more than they do. Friendship: not happening.
4. Learn their name. It sounds like common sense, but many times, people forget the name of their new friends. When you’re a month into the friendship and you go to introduce your friend to another friend, don’t be that kid who completely blanks. You’ll look like an ass and now you must find a different person to hang out with. If this happens, start back at rule number one.
5. Don’t be overly friendly. People don’t want to hang out with Debbie Downer, but they also don’t want to hang out with Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials. A little bit of amiability will take you far. A lot of it will cause you to send potential friends running.
6. Don’t be caught stalking. While it’s flattering to find out somebody’s
been checking out your Facebook profile, you don’t want to let on that you know more about their lives than you should. You’ll be labeled the creepy kid and your friendships will die before they even have a chance to begin.
7. Feel free to cyber stalk. I said don’t get caught stalking, but I didn’t say stalking was totally out of the question. Now, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to hide outside of someone’s dorm in the bushes and follow them to class, but a little Facebook stalking to find out what this person is all about is totally acceptable. It will give you an idea of what they’re interested in, what they like to do, etc. and it will allow you to figure out if you want to purse the friendship. Either way, give them a chance to impress you in person.
8. Don’t make inappropriate jokes… until you’re sure the friendship is solid and your friend won’t be offended. Meeting a group of people for the first time, don’t make a crude (and lame) “that’s what she said” joke. That’s a surefire way to turn off a bunch of people who were considering being your friend. If you’re looking to make enemies, however, may I suggest attending a Women’s Club meeting and firing out as many misogynistic phrases as you can. Always a win.
9. Dress fancy. Sweatpants, athletic shorts, T-shirts: all fine for the gym or for lounging around your dorm. But when they become the staple pieces in your wardrobe, people start to question your other life choices. Does she go to class or just sit in her room all day reading blogs and drinking milk out of the carton? Don’t be that kid. Never be that kid. Put on some real pants and a shirt that says, “I’m comfortable, but I also look decent” and get out there and meet some people.
10. Be a seat-whore. If you find you’re lacking friends in one or more of your classes, don’t be afraid to sit next to a different person each day. The key to this trick is to introduce yourself and actually talk to the person you sit down next to. You can’t make a new friend if you both sit there in awkward silence. If you find that no one in your class wants to talk to you because they think it’s strange you seat-hop each day, try dropping the class or bringing friends you already have to sit next to you. •
