Don’t Do That!: Kiefer Roberts’ open letter to the campus community

Dear Couple Rounding What I Believe is Third Base in the 1941 room,

Yes, I just reverted back to using “bases” to refer to your sexual activity. How childish and tacky, right? SO different from your Titanic steamy-car-scene-style sexy time in public. I’m all about showing others who you are with and whom you love (keeps the hounds and stage-5 clingers at bay), but not many people care to see you doing it while sitting in Oasis waiting for your popcorn chicken.

Then again, I will admit and say that I get it. Love and music (and musical references galore in this article) are in the air, you guys! Hell, it’s Valentine’s Day! And just when you thought the bitterly cold weather would keep people across campus from mingling, this is actually exactly the time of year when couples get closer and the bachelors and bachelorettes across campus start revving up their engines.

Seeing as winter will soon be over, and April showers bring May flowers (and, thankfully, free STD testing), I figured I’d make it rain some advice on both Valentine’s Day and on how to continue playing this crazy game I call “Releasing Sexual Frustration in a Restricting College Environment with Crazy and Unrealistic Expectations about Hooking Up”… I’m still working on a more succinct name. Onward!

First and foremost, if you’re feeling as though you need to be hooking up with someone, you don’t. The last thing you want is to get yourself into a situation where you really aren’t that into a person. I mean, if you wouldn’t Facebook him/her to show a friend that you don’t consider your best friend, but a close friend (you know the one – s/he’s hyper judgmental and would be all “Oh, Got it. I know them,” thereby relinquishing any full-on judgment until you weren’t at a lunch or dinner with your core group of friends, which is exactly where he/she would all of sudden bring up the topic. “By the way, what the HELL is [your name] doing with ______?! Jesus!”), then sit down, eat the chocolate of your choice and couple it with some Bailey’s if need be, because hooking up with someone is not about the sound of settling.

To all the single women with a man who might not always be the best but tries, I suggest all you ladies leave your man at home. After all, the club is full of ballers with their pockets full-blown. Or at least, their hair is in a full blow-out. Nonetheless, wear something black and get your dance on – eventually the music (or the DJ) will have you falling in love again.

To the recently jaded by experience, I offer you some advice from the little-known Baltimore MC Kid Sister. In her song “Telephone” she puts it simply: “I got 900 anytime minutes, you get NONE.” Here, Kid Sister teaches us an important lesson: priorities.

The happy couple is rare, but exists, which is a nice thing to know in a place as small as Conn.

The biggest thing I see and hear is the ability to let the feelings or expectations of others get in the way of one’s happiness. Don’t let this happen. Get away as often as is necessary to escape the unscrupulous judgments and enjoy each other for Christ’s sake.

Also, ladies: not all guys here want to just hook up with you. As hard as that is to believe, start looking around a little bit more. The entire “there are no good guys at Conn” routine is getting older and older by the day. Sure, some are taken, but not all of them. If you’re not attracted to the person, that’s one thing, but the excuse of all guys being complete assholes is a weak one. Did I say none of the guys? Absolutely not. But I’m hearing all and seeing some, and thinking that excuses are a convenient excuse for lack of initiative. Not all gents are womanizers, not all gents are Toxic, and if you seek, I’m sure you’ll find a dynamite guy. Okay, that last one is blaring with music. Anyone catch anything? Bueller?

I leave you, potential and current love birds, with a few final thoughts: don’t Facebook-friend close friends of exes with whom you’ve had a particularly bad breakup. Truth is, their friends probably don’t like you, and it looks/feels really tacky. Don’t spit game at people across large public spaces. I’ve heard (verbatim), “Wanna stop by later and say hello? We can keep it innocent!” yelled across Harris. Are you serious? Step your game up, and try some flowers. Lastly, whenever, wherever with whomever – protection is key. Take that how you want. I don’t work at the health center. Oh, and stop peeing the bed with other people in it. It’s gross, it’s strange because you’re an adult and it’s costly on comforters.

Xoxoxo,
Kiefer •