Drawing by Emily Bernstein.
It’s been a year since the unveiling of the new Connecticut College mascot — a fierce looking camel, ready to intimidate the competition, or so was the purpose of its creation. In a forty-five second video on YouTube, students, parents, staff, alumni, and of course, President Higdon, gathered outside of Cro and cheered as the new mascot was unveiled, clapping louder when asked, “Who likes the new mascot?” Apparently, they were all lying.
A year later, sales of Conn merchandise are down and students openly mock the angry-looking dromedary, wishfully praying for a return of the “stoner” camel that still covers one of the main walls of Harris. Times were much simpler, students much happier and the camel much less enraged.
To get to the heart of (or hump of, if you will) the problem, I sat down with (er, stood next to) the new Camel in my office (I’m a certified psychiatrist after all) to talk about his anger-management issues, identity crises and poor self-esteem. He had quite a lot of feelings to share.
College Voice: Would you like a glass of water?
Camel Mascot: No, I’m quite all right. I had one two weeks ago.
CV: Okay, let’s start with a simple question. How has your first year at Conn been?
CM: Awful, man. No one appreciates me. The first day I was here was great. Everyone loved me and was excited for the fiercer mascot. But since then, I’ve been mocked and belittled. People don’t actually appreciate me.
CV: That’s quite unfortunate. Maybe it’s because you look like a snail or an angry donkey rather than a camel. I mean, where’s the other half of your body? You’re a pissed off floating head with a hump.
CM: Your mom looks like a snail. Tragic gasoline fight accident at a fossil-fuel-themed Cro dance. That’s what happened to the rest of my body. Why are you bringing it up? Don’t you think I’d be a tad sensitive about it?
CV: My apologies. Some students have told me that they prefer the old camel to you. How does that make you feel?
CM: It makes me angry. It makes me pretty, pretty angry. And frankly, it makes me feel a bit sad. Camels these days are a bit unsupported. We also lack the environmental space necessary to roam free like we used to. It’s despicable the way they treat us camels.
CV: One student added that you “weren’t worthy of being our mascot.”
CM: Look, I had to fight tooth and nail for this job. Do you know how many other animals can spit farther than a camel? I personally have no idea. All I know is I can spit pretty damn far. But can an elephant spit that far? No. Absolutely not. Can a purple cow store gallons of water within its own body? I don’t think so. The only thing it’s storing is grape-flavored milk.
CV: Do you realize your face has caused Conn Coll merchandise sales to drop? People just don’t want to buy things when your visage is plastered on it.
CM: What a terrible thing to say to a poor, poor creature that has carried the burden of society.
CV: What society?
CM: Don’t sass me. Don’t sass the camel.
CV: I’m sorry. Have you ever thought about just smiling once in a while? It’s good for the soul.
CM: If my front teeth weren’t so large, I would smile all the time. But then you kids would just make fun of me, wouldn’t you, you malicious bipedal little creatures?
CV: This sounds like it stems from a larger issue. Why are you so angry all of the time?
CM: Well, how would you like being domesticated? I can tell you from first-hand experience that that other camel was no more pleasant than that skunk running around Temple Green. But, honestly, I’m not angry, I’m fierce. I’m an athletic mascot, so I need to put on a front to intimidate the competition.
CV: Do you think you’ve done a good job with that role?
CM: I mean, yes. Then again, I don’t have much competition…Mules, Cardinals? I could eat a cardinal in one bite. And the letter A? Is that even a real mascot? And let’s be serious. Your mascot could be the Trees. You’re welcome for spicing it up.
CV: Now that you say that, you do look better in comparison. Did your arrival bring any changes to the sports scene at Conn? Or have you caused more uproar than positivity?
CM: Well before this interview, I thought I was generally well-liked around campus, but I guess not. I was conceived out of the students’ desire for a fiercer-looking mascot, so I’m just doing what I was told to do. It’s not my fault you humans are so picky.
CV: My personal opinion is that as the successor to the chill camel, you’re angry because you’re not able to live up to his reputation. I mean look at him, he’s awesome.
CM: I don’t see it. What does that camel have that I don’t have? Last I recalled that camel couldn’t go two days in the desert without water, and he’s too dazed to pay attention to basic needs. But I’m always on my A-game.
CV: We want you to belong. But if you’re going to scowl all the time, I just don’t know if this will work out. You’re bringing down the students’ morale.
CM: You know what? All these questions are bringing me down.
CV: Now we’re getting somewhere. Tell me why you feel so low all the time?
CM: Quite the opposite actually. It’s my height. How would you like being like twelve feet tall? Do you know how difficult it is to buy pants?
CV: But, wait. You don’t have a body.
CM: I certainly do have a body. It may not conform to your social standards, but I can assure you that in the Netherlands, my current ensemble would be the height of fashion.
(Awkward silence ensues as interviewer Google searches Netherland fashion trends.)
CM: Well, you’re welcome for my time. Now, if you would excuse me, I have to mentally prepare myself for Floralia. You know the way out.
CV: Uh, it’s my office.
CM: Not anymore.
CV: The old mascot was never this rude. •
