When I chose to review Shark Night 3D, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good movie. I know, I know, a critic is supposed to enter a movie with as open a mind as possible. But seriously, you’re not reading this because you’re contemplating trekking out and seeing the movie… are you? Regardless, there was a part of me that hoped to have some fun with Shark Night- after all, the title implied that at the very least this would be a gory 3D campfest on some level.
The film’s premise isn’t a new one; a star-studded ensemble cast, featuring such names as former American Idol Katharine McPhee and the lanky nerd from Avatar, decide to vacation to Sara’s family vacation spot on a nearby lake (yes, the movie deftly settles any qualms you may have just felt with a subtle “it’s a saltwater lake, so it’s possible”). The trip is taken in part to celebrate Malik’s (Sinqua Walls) B+ grade earned with the help of his friend Nick (Dustin Milligan). This sojourn is preceded by the first of many “racially tense” scenes, each of which is handled with edgy flair I thought only to be possible in a Hallmark Channel original.
Before the gang is able to reach the lake, they encounter some of Sara’s old acquaintances at a gas station, namely her ex-boyfriend Dennis (Chris Carmack) and his bayou buddy Red (Joshua Leonard) who creep out the uppity group of college kids. (SPOILER ALERT) I’m guessing this serves as a shallow precursor to the fact that the duo will ultimately murder all but two of the group with sharks. Seriously.
After an obligatory ten minutes or so of half naked frat boy humor and a totally shredding wakeboard scene, the shark attacks begin. Though I won’t go into detail about each individual kill, I will say that the shark attacks were almost as forgettable as the characters themselves (there were multiple attacks that I wasn’t sure were fatal until the characters simply never reappeared). This clearly wasn’t the intended response, but point in fact, save for one or two cool scenes, the film is devoid of anything gorier than red water. Luckily enough for the group, they brought along pre-med student Nick to conveniently save and resuscitate friends when the plot needs driving.His character wavered between an emergency room genius and an unclothed, unaware, disoriented member of the clueless cast.
I’ve bashed Shark Night a lot throughout this review, but that’s because there really was a part of me that wanted to enjoy the movie on some mindless, popcorn-munching level. But even that expectation was barely met. Aside from delivering a few unintentional laughs, there is barely any reason for this film to exist, perhaps aside from cashing in on the movie theater loving middle school masses. If nothing else, Shark Night did expand my vocabulary, if only by one word. Though Malik uses it to call out Nick for ogling the sunbathing Sarah onshore, I think the word seems to channel the very essence of Shark Night. That is, this movie exists so the aforementioned masses can spend 90 minutes unabashedly “eyehumping” the sculpted, beach-bodied cast.
