Editor’s Note: The article is satirical and not to be taken entirely seriously
As sports writers we’re always aiming to please our readers (a gigantic preview of the NHL’s Western Conference? You’re welcome). We’re constantly on the lookout, scouring Conn Coll Confessional, illegally filming Camel practices and even showering with the squads after workouts to get a better idea of how you’re feeling about the world of sports.
After weeks of painstaking research, we decided that the most valid and reliable way to gauge interest and awareness on athletics was to conduct a survey. We decided to send out 1,900 U.S. Census Bureau-approved surveys to every person in the student body (you didn’t get yours? Weird. Must have gotten lost in the mail or something) requesting information of their beliefs and knowledge of sports. This 837 question assessment addressed participants’ feelings on athletics
Conn as well as reflections on professional sports. We would like to share with you some of the most telling data we encountered:
Zoe ’14: “I would be way more inclined to attend swim meets if they were at the Arbo lake. I live in Larabee but the AC is really just so far. I have to cross the bridge AND go down the hill to get to the pool. To get to the lake, I only have to walk through campus, across the street, down the hill, and over the rocks. Let me know if you ever get this changed!”
Zoe, we feel the same way. The athletic center is practically in Groton. We’ll work on fixing that.
Tanner ’13: “Chicks dig dudes with a long stick.”
Tanner, we love innuendo too!
Amanda ’15: “I am the biggest Sox fan you will ever meet. I live right outside of Boston so it’s pretty much in my blood. The last game I went to, I was about 11 weeks old. I remember it so clearly. It was at the stadium with the big green wall in centerfield. There was the pitcher with the ball and they threw it and there were hits and Jacoby Ellsbury was there. He is the cutest! Go Sox!”
Amanda, good to know! We’ll try to include more regional coverage. I know how much we all love our Sox.
Dave ’12: “Camelsports? I think I read a pretty good review of their newest stuff on Pitchfork. I like their old stuff better though.”
Dave, I don’t know if we’re totally on the same page here.
Jimmy ’15: “That Youtube video of the guy that does all the frisbee trick throws is dope. It’s pretty high up there on my favorite clips of all time. I’ll be blunt, me and my buds subscribed to that dude’s channel the first time we saw that vid.”
Jimmy, I must say I love Ultimate Frisbee too! ::High five for that!::
Christy ’14: “Lacrosse and hockey games are my favorite part of Conn athletics. It’s an ideal chance to put together well-accessorized outfits for the winter and spring. Actually, my Barbour jacket should be in the mailroom by the end of the week! Regardless, I love cheering for my boys when they’re on the turfpitchcourt.
Christy, get it, girl!
Jeff ’15: “Hedded to thr clbu hockey vs coasrt gard game riaght now. We’re gnnaa crush thoose noobs. Drrrunk! hope I makre it there aliev.!!!!
Jeff, heads up for Seamus!
Your responses are invaluable towards helping us create the best work we possibly can. These intensive surveys taught us quite a bit about the ways you all look at Camel athletics and professional sports. We’ll do our best to embrace your concerns and keep you on the edge of your seats for the next issue. Thanks! •
