Get in Line for Facebook Timeline

Photo from Web.

How would you feel if I told you that every picture you’ve ever uploaded to Facebook, every mundane or embarrassing post you wrote and every relationship status or friendship you made could be visible on one single page? Stalkers take delight. Average computer users, sit down and let this sink in. Who’s to blame for this invasion of privacy? Do I even need to say it?

Power-hungry Mark Zuckerberg has decided that he’s once again bored with his own life, and he needs to mess with his overrated social networking site, Facebook. Can somebody seriously find this guy another hobby? As if the concept of Facebook wasn’t becoming creepy enough, Zuckerberg has decided to completely revamp the site into a virtual timeline of each member’s life. So if you thought you didn’t need to sweat about all those dreadfully uncool statuses quoting lame mainstream pop songs, the joke’s on you. Now your friends and family members will be able to scroll back through your timeline and mock you for posting the lyrics to “Airplanes” seven different times within a three-month span. Don’t sweat just yet. Whenever Zuckerberg decides to flip the switch and convert your profile to Timeline (which will happen; it’s not optional), you’ll have a week to go back through your entire Facebook history and delete things you don’t want people to see.

A whole week! Guess I’ll have to skip all of my classes and have a virtual spring cleaning session. It’s going to take a while to review everything I’ve ever posted or done on Facebook since 2009 when I joined. Just imagine how long it’s going to take everyone else who’s been on the site since the beginning in 2004. Good luck, friends.

I don’t know how every single Facebook member personally feels about the abrupt facelift, but according to an article in the Washington Post written last week, a lot of users are against this new feature, and many are considering ending their time on Facebook before Timeline takes over for good. It might just be a side effect of my technology-induced paranoia (someone is always watching), but Timeline seems a little bit more Big Brother and a little bit less Boy Next Door. Is Zuckerberg conspiring with the government to spy on its users? Is this a ploy for the Republican candidate to persuade voters? Vote for Mitt and he’ll bring back the old Facebook, though he will eliminate the “civil union” relationship status option. Or is Zuckerberg just accepting bribes from stalkers and conmen in exchange for his life? I’m not him, so I don’t know. But I do know that he’s taking a risk with this new format, and he better be prepared with a backup plan if Timeline loses a good percentage of Facebook’s 20 trillion users.

I’m opposed to the Timeline format for several reasons. I believe life is cyclical, not to be measured in a linear timeline-like fashion. The past is the past; I don’t want to be reminded of how emotional or pseudo-intellectual I was/tried to be in high school. I don’t like the idea of one of my 300 friends scrolling through a timeline of my life. We all have skeletons in our closet, even our virtual closet. Now Zuckerberg is making us confront them all and delete memories from our past within a week or they’ll be there, haunting us for the rest of our lives, or however long this Internet fad lasts.

If you haven’t willingly joined Timeline or been forced into the revolution, I suggest you enjoy the last few days you have with your Wall. Decorate how you see fit, but remember, change is coming in 2012, whether we like it or not. As for me, I’ll be trying to erase my footprint from the Internet Sheldon Cooper-style, but with less nerdy swag and more tech support. And one last word to Mark — why don’t you take up golf? •