Let’s play a game called “guess the stupid politician of the week.”: Here are your clues: He is the man with two first names. The man who looks like Mitt Romney’s long lost sixth son. The man who once referred to rape as just another “method of conception.” And now he is the man who likes to go to homeless shelters after everyone has left to take impromptu photo shoots.
Have you guessed yet?
The answer is Paul Ryan, Wisconsin Congressman and Mitt “Mittens” Romney’s running mate. I’ve heard he’s also the Joker by night.
In order to dispel these supervillain rumors, Ryan brought his family to an Ohio (shocking!) soup kitchen two weeks ago to offer their assistance to the community. And by offer their assistance, I mean the Ryan clan and a camera crew entered the dining hall where they washed some dishes that appeared to be already clean. This did not go over well with the president of the Mahoning County St. Vincent De Paul Society who said he had not been contacted by representatives from the Romney campaign beforehand and that even if he had been, the organization is “apolitical” and would not have allowed the visit to take place, regardless of party affiliation.
To top off that screw-up, the dining hall had already been cleaned because everyone had gone home after finishing their meals. The only people that were left were some of the volunteers who had authorized Ryan’s visit without first checking with the organization’s president. So, not only did Ryan show up “to volunteer” after the soup kitchen had ended and without the proper authorization, but he spent fifteen minutes cleaning already cleaned dishes because that’s a good use of everyone’s time.
His family even donned white aprons for “legitimacy.” But what Ryan failed to realize is that sparkling clean white aprons does not a hard worker at a soup kitchen make. If the Ryans had put even a little bit of effort into their plot, they would have splattered some gravy and cranberry sauce on their aprons for that grungy, I-just-did-some-volunteer-work-at-a-soup-kitchen look. But no, Ryan’s apron was spotless and white, unlike his soul.
If we’re going to give Ryan the benefit of the doubt (just for fun), perhaps he accidentally picked up a clean dish and washed it because he has never before attempted to wash anything. After all, washing is a woman’s job, along with ironing, making sandwiches, raising children, giving up all hopes and dreams of a career and making sure that birth control is never needed or desired. How silly of me to forget that Ryan is a man, and therefore, doesn’t know how to wash dishes! All is forgiven.
My second theory is that the Ryans just went to the Youngstown soup kitchen to take their annual “We’re a normal American family!” photo for their Christmas card this year. Multiple (completely fake) inside sources have confirmed that every year, the Ryans like to pick a place they don’t normally venture to and take a photo to show their friends, family and America that they are just your average, typical, normal, regular, ordinary American family that likes to help others in need. Previous years’ locations have included: a nursing home in downtown Philly, a suburban neighborhood lemonade stand in Jersey, a literacy center in the Ozark Mountains, a Native American reservation in Arizona, the t-shirt shop from Jersey Shore and Honey Boo Boo’s house in McIntyre, Georgia where Ryan posed next to Glitzy, the, toddler’s gay pig. After, he handed Alana a pamphlet for the Family Research Council and told the six-year-old that her pig would never be allowed to marry its pig-life-partner if Romney had any control over the situation. Alana cried, and Ryan left to do an interview with Fox News about how rewarding community service work is.
Let me now take a moment to be serious. Is Ryan so desperate for “good” media attention that the best plan he could devise was to force his way into a soup kitchen after they had closed to get a picture of him doing “community service work”? Couldn’t he just, I don’t know, actually take three hours out of his life and actually volunteer at a soup kitchen? Is he so above soup kitchens, volunteering and spending time with people in lower socioeconomic spheres that he has to stage it? It doesn’t even matter because his plan backfired. So, now he just looks like a heartless jerk who only wants to “look” like the good guy, not actually be one. What a horrible message to send to Americans during election season. Worst of all, Ryan brought his kids to the soup kitchen to stage this fake photo shoot. What kind of message does that send to them? Answer: a terrible, selfish one. I’m more ashamed of Ryan than I am angry at what he did.
Ryan’s photo shoot fiasco reflects a larger issue in our society: the idea that if we can look like a decent human being, we don’t actually have to be one. Everything in our culture centered on appearances. If Ryan can take a photo, get it to the press and trick everyone into thinking that he spent time at a soup kitchen, that sends a message to the public that he’s a “good” person without his actually having to do the labor that would afford him those credentials. Not only was Ryan lazy and selfish to ask if he could visit a soup kitchen, wash a clean dish, snap a photo and peace out of there, but he also must think very little of the American public’s intelligence if he thought he could dupe everyone into thinking he’s a stand-up guy.
Someone with higher authority than I should force Ryan to repent for his “douchiness” by making him apologize to the people who put their time into volunteering and force him to actually offer his time and labor at a soup kitchen while people are there and meals need to be prepared. I would hope he could take a few hours out of his busy workout schedule to help a few Americans in need, but I’m not willing to bet any money on it. •
