We interrupt our usual food-scapades to bring you a Hurricane Survival Guide in the event of a hurricane that actually affects us kids on The Hill. As many of you know, nothing happened here save for a few fallen trees, which in an arboretum is not terribly surprising. We feel very guilty that we were so devastatingly unaffected by the hurricane, while our neighbors in New York have been reduced to a giant river. Even New London suffered the wrath of Sandy, while we complained about our two-day Hurrication and watched in slight amusement as the screens blew off our windows.
In our defense, in the days leading up to Sandy, the Internet promised us a “superstorm” with the face of a Spongebob cartoon character, which we were disappointed to not see as we looked outside on Monday. As we rushed to prepare for the Franken-pocalypse, we realized that everyone in the world was doing the same thing, and Target could not keep up with the demand for bread and water. We needed to think of new ideas.
In the case of an actual power outage (damn you, flickering lights), many of the usual college food items would be useless to you unless you want to devour shards of raw Ramen or sniff the cheesy powder that comes with your Easy Mac to stave off the hunger pangs. In order to prevent a Hunger Games scenario in the arboretum, we suggest buying the following items: crackers.
That’s it. All you need is crackers. Just crackers. You could put peanut butter on them. Or not. You could put Nutella on them. Or not (because you probably don’t have a knife in your room). We hope. You could stock up on Poland Springs water bottles, but good luck avoiding the death glares from the hordes of environmentalists on campus. You could also buy Halloween candy and proceed to eat so many Reese’s Peanut Butter cups that you vomit sadness and self-hatred because you just ate that entire bag within the first hour of the storm. Looks like your rations are gone. Rookie mistake.
Our method of survival was Harris, which is ironic. Twelve bananas, two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, six apples, five cookies, one lemon Danish and three water bottles filled with juice later, we left the dining hall carrying fifty pounds of provisions on our backs. Casually. As is our way. Do you know what’s not awkward at all? Grabbing the bowl full of bananas and shoving it into your backpack. Not just a few: the whole bowl. Because you don’t know the next time you will taste potassium or see anything close to the color of sunshine. As we left the dining hall, we realized that the rain would be a bigger challenge than we anticipated. Do you know what’s delicious? M&M cookies and lemon Danish fused together into a SuperPastry™. (Not actually a trademark…yet.) You know what’s also delicious? Friends that don’t judge you for eating a SuperPastry™ as a midnight survival snack.
Because we are masochists, we watched Hannah Hart’s “Show Me Where Ya Noms At” music video fifty times on repeat and drooled as she threw slices of cheese into the air. What a waste! Because who doesn’t love Kraft singles? Answer: everyone.
We understand that it’s difficult to eat in times of stress; however, it is not recommended to smash the bread holding your distractedly-made Harris sandwich together into a tortilla because that is just sad, and you don’t need any more sadness in your life. However, if you are in the one percent of people who are following @MittStormTips seriously, you should have cooked a week’s worth of meals in preparation for Sandy (but only if you are a woman) because at least forty-seven percent of the population can’t afford fancy French cheeses (see: Kraft singles).
In reality, we on The Hill did not lose electricity (sorry, 360 apartments), and were in the minority of fortunate ones who were not badly affected by the storm. We rationed and prepared for a Day After Tomorrow-type catastrophe, which was smart but unnecessary. For those of you who ate your Jimmy Dean breakfast bowls and Betty Crocker molten cakes at 1 AM out of pure joy that your microwave still worked, I hope your stomachs don’t hurt too much.
Tune in next week for Dessert Nachos or something equally disgusting/delicious/confusing.
