When I was considering applying to Connecticut College, I looked at academics, club sports, the lack of Greek life and the international perspective. I certainly was not immediately concerned with the dating scene, but according to Cosmopolitan I should have been. Cosmo currently ranks Conn as the 9th worst school to meet single guys. This is attributed mostly to our supposedly 60:40 female to male ratio, and while admissions statistics reveal that the ratio is probably closer to 55:45 these days, those attracted to men are currently left to fight over about 800 individuals.
According to Cosmo, men too often fall into two unfortunate categories: “uncouth nerds or womanizers.” Now, while this may be true, as a gay man, I don’t have to worry about dating a womanizer. In fact, according to College Prowler the men and women of Connecticut College are all “A”s; our attractive student body and good grooming habits have earned us high marks. So if womanizers aren’t the problem, and we have it on good authority that we have an attractive student body then there must be other gay or bisexual men out there at Conn that are totally dateable.
Let us pretend for a moment that Conn, with around 2,000 students, represents similar sexuality demographics as the United States, where 11% of people admit to some level of same-sex attraction. Now halve that because gay men only want gay or bisexual men. Now gay men are working with 6.5% of the 800 men on this campus; that is 52 men. But I’m a considerate and progressive gay man and I only look for men who are openly gay or bisexual. According to the US census in 2010, 3.5% of adults openly identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual. If we halve that for just men, the result is a whopping 1.75%. So that means there are only 14 openly gay or bisexual men at Conn and since I am one of them, I am looking at a pool of 13 guys.
Do not complain to me about some 60:40 nonsense.
While there are certainly more than 13 queer men at Conn, the odds are still not in a gay man’s favor. Being gay or bisexual is a great starting point for a same-sex relationship but things start to go downhill quickly from there. “Sexual orientation is a poor binding agent,” said iO Tillett Wright, a gay activist and artist. “There are just as many jerks and sweethearts and Democrats and Republicans and jocks and queens and every other polarization you can possibly think of within the LGBT community as there are within the human race.”
Dating another human being is difficult; many things have to line up: attraction, morals, interests, and life goals. Many of us think alike to a certain degree at Conn, but we are all individuals with different interests, ambition, and desires. Queer men are not attracted to every single other gay or bisexual man, and unfortunately attraction itself does not equal compatibility. Everyone across the entire sexual spectrum limits their options because of individualized expectations; these restrictions reduce the prospects for a gay man on this campus to maybe one or two guys.
My point is that it takes two people to make a happy relationship. This is something that Cosmopolitan, a magazine marketed towards straight women, does not seem to understand. Men simply are not “boyfriend material” for the perfect Cosmo gal or for the Conn woman interviewed by HerCampus who thinks, “Men on this campus are capable of being good boyfriends/partners, but as of now they haven’t proved themselves.”
That said, men are not immune to the same kind of self-indulgent stereotyping because of Conn’s “immature” hook-up oriented social scene. Where are the suitable women for that nice, cute, single guy down the hall? The struggle to find a suitable partner is not a women’s issue; people of all genders and sexual orientations encounter this struggle.
To my knowledge, the best way for me to meet a nice gay man is to be a nice gay man. This idea is common across all gender identities and sexual orientations. Statistically, it may seem hard for some to find a compatible companion within the Conn bubble, forcing students to seek relationships off-campus. Social dating sites, such as Tinder or OkCupid, make finding someone nearby relatively easy while lying in your bed alone. Still, if you are a gay man and you want a Camel by your side, don’t think about the ratio, Cosmo’s dating advice, or the undeniable dearth of gay and bisexual men; go out with an open mind and meet someone new.
