In anticipation of the next four snowstorms this week, Connecticut College has issued an emergency architectural reconstruction project to protect its precious Camels from the harsh elements. The proverbial Bubble will be realized in the next coming days, encompassing everything from the Lyman Allyn to College House, as well as the Winchesters and Mr. G’s pizza (for when Harris supplies inevitably expire). Tired of hearing plows outside their dorms at all hours of the night and frustrated with digging their cars out of the unplowed Gravel and North lots, several Conn students formed an action committee. Under the title Students Against Severe Storms (SASS), they presented their storm preparation ideas for consideration to the administration last week.
“We can’t change the weather,” one sophomore on the committee said. “That’s preposterous. But we’re tired of all of the snow, slush and mud. What we need is to a surefire way to keep the storms out.”
“A bubble!” a junior on SASS suggested.
“A bubble,” the rest of the group echoed. “We need a bubble.”
After applying for and receiving a $630,000 FEMA preparedness grant, the administration passed the construction task off to the College’s architecture students. “Just don’t make it flashy,” they said. “We can’t be demoted from our status as one of the prettiest campuses because of a stupid storm bubble.”
SASS members sat down yesterday with the architecture majors in the hidden Burdick laboratory to talk designs.
“We thought minimalism was the best way to go,” one student said.
A geodesic dome will be constructed overnight (so good luck sleeping with all of the beeping trucks driving up and down Cro Boulevard). Once the structure is solidified, it will be covered with two thick layers of storm glass, commonly used to hurricane-proof coastal homes. Glass was selected over aluminum or steel so that our community can still /see/ the snow, but not have to deal with its irritating consequences.
“We’ve set up a collection bucket in Cro for students to drop off their Bean Boots,” said the president of SASS. “We’ll send the proceeds down to Georgia and the Carolinas in case they get a few inches of snow again.”
The team thought the idea of being trapped in a giant plastic bubble might become depressing and perpetuate seasonal affect disorder, especially with the dirty patches of snow still covering the green.
“Since we’re going to be living in, essentially, a reverse snow globe, we thought we might as well create an island oasis,” one senior said. “We bought some sunlamps and drove to New York for sand — since Connecticut’s in a shortage. We have the botany students procuring some palm trees. It’s going to really change the way people look at Connecticut College, and global climate change in general.”
When you wake up tomorrow morning, don’t be alarmed to find all your Connecticut College bubble nightmares come true.
Happy spring break!
P.S. Yes, this is a satire
