Every Sunday morning one of the first questions you hear across different conversations in Harris and social media sites, such as Yik Yak, is, “Who did you hook up with last night?” It’s undeniable that now social life revolves around “hooking up” with people at parties or other gatherings at Conn and most other campuses across the country. Not only is it the central focus, it has become the be-all and end-all of these social outings. If you don’t hook up with someone, your night is considered a total waste.
“Hooking up” has many different connotations, but the overall range is anywhere from making out with someone to having sex. This is not problematic in itself. The issue arises when there is an expectation and a pressure on everyone to take part in this, regardless of one’s current relationship status or interest in hooking up.
A first-year student, for instance, talked about how even though she is in a relationship, the hook up culture makes her uncomfortable throughout the night as people couple off to hook up. She feels uncertain about whether or not she has to take part too, even if she has a boyfriend. “I’ve felt as if guys are only friends with girls with the intention of hooking up with them- or getting to that point. Why do I feel the pressure that if I want guy friends, I have to be a tease and flirt with them?”
Our school is not unlike most college campuses either, where drinking and drugs fuel an unattached and casual approach to relationships. The justification of “we only hooked up because I was drunk” can cover up a lot of details and hurt feelings more often than not when discussing the events of the night before. “Alcohol can be seen as a prop. People who are not really drunk can “perform” drunk so that they cannot be held responsible for what happens later,” said Associate Professor of Sociology Ron Flores, “It gives them an out.”
And it’s been proven that “75% of college students reported that alcohol does not make someone sexier.” Next time you reach for that extra shot paired with its promise of confidence, I beg you to reconsider. The hook-up culture hurts not only individual’s feelings, and possibly their reputation, but also their skill to build relationships. How many times have you called someone a “slut” or a “player” based upon seeing them hook up with someone? I know we are all guilty of it. It’s real and mean and this kind of backlash only goes hand in hand with the consequences of hooking up with someone.
Following the “walk of shame” the morning after a night out, there is a high possibility that feelings of regret, guilt, loneliness and lower self-worth could follow. How would it not be degrading to be spotted walking barefoot across campus with your shoes in one hand and the bodycon dress you wore the night before? One psychological study said, “both men and women who had engaged in an uncommitted sexual encounter had lower overall self-esteem scores than those who had not.”
Some may be able to easily brush off last night’s encounter, while others may glory in it. Feelings and the future get lost in translation. “My friend was so broken up about a guy that it started to affect her school work. Following them hooking up, he proceeded to ignore her for no known reason, which crippled her emotionally and socially,” said one student. There are enough unknowns about our futures as college students. Why should this be one more thing of which we are uncertain? It only leaves you with more questions than you started with and a serious headache in the morning.
The pressing issue that the cultural shift from monogamous relationships to casual flings brings is the effect on students’ mental health. Further, the stress felt is often gendered. Research by Fielder and Carey has shown that more undergraduate women who had engaged in intercourse during a hookup showed higher rates of mental distress than men.
According to one female student, “There is an expectation that guys want to have sex so girls try and live up to that. Whether or not guys actually do want to, there is a sense that they have to have sex on the first night, whether to prove their manhood or to please what they think their partner wants”. Some male students on the cross country team agreed, stating that there is an expectation to prove themselves and fulfill this media driven macho image, but ultimately the choice is up to both partners. One male student in particular said “as you get older that expectation for sex becomes less insistent and less realistic.”
Professor Flores agreed, “Many men believe that everyone is participating in the hook up – and, they are not. So, they feel left out, inadequate and resentful. In reality, most college students are not hooking up. So, there are unrealistic expectations that are a function of what is perceived, but not real. For women, there is the struggle with hooking up and negotiating the ever present double standard.”
We can blame the media and TV shows, peer pressure and the ultimate age-old idea of being “cool.” But I think we all forget that something that feels good in the moment can leave you with a serious sense of regret the next day. Passing someone in Harris and being ignored and coming to the conclusion that you were considered a mistake or a source of embarrassment for them after what you thought was a “great night” last night will do a number on anyone.
So what it boils down to is, what can we as students do to help ourselves and others mentally and emotionally navigate the hook up culture dominated social scene?
Darcie Folsom, Director of Sexual Violence Prevention & Advocacy, suggests to “communicate in real life, and not just social media. Being more upfront and more communicative about these issues on a basic level, but also with a partner, and how to articulate those conversations so they feel as if they’re being listened to. People hide behind things like Yik Yak to show their true feelings and they shouldn’t feel like they have to do that. Being able to share your feelings with the other person and your friends will be the ultimate source of help.”
Word to the weary: by solely hooking up with someone, you don’t get the chance to share your personality. If they “like” you, shouldn’t that mean they like your personality too, not just that skirt you decided to throw on five minutes before going out? All of this gets lost and your self worth may diminish over time. You may find yourself laying awake at night asking “Why doesn’t that cute girl from last weekend truly have feelings for me?” I can tell you it’s because you make the choice to hook up instead of talking. •
