The result of the 2016 election has forced me, and I’m sure many others, to think about what it means to be a woman and feminist in the United States. As a white man, I do not have the personal experience to know what it is like to be a woman. However, I believe that the gendered expectations inflicted upon my mother holds relevance in a national context.
I grew up in a suburb of Hartford where my father worked and my mother stayed at home with my brother and me. I have had conversations with her recently about whether she wanted to go back to work after my brother and I were old enough to go to school all day. She said that she did want to go back to work, but that my dad wanted her to stay at home with us. She also has vision problems; in 2004, she lost her ability to drive. This was a big blow to the entire family and especially to her. Luckily, my grandmother was able to move next door and complete tasks my mom could no longer do, like drive us places when my dad was working. If my mom couldn’t do something, my grandmother would step up to do it no matter the inconvenience; I was never without a strong, guiding maternal figure. My grandmother’s help taught me the sacrifices that women make all the time that other people might not realize.
My dad owns a business and worked long days, which meant that he was usually working all the time. He was not very involved in my early childhood years and my mom took the responsibility of two parents. My dad grew up in a strict and patriarchal household and brought these ideas to our house, where he did not have to know a lot about cooking or cleaning and viewed himself solely as the breadwinner. My mom, by contrast, was an immigrant from Italy who grew up in a less gendered household. Although she also grew up in a patriarchal household, the women in her family were expected to work outside the home to support the family. My mom really liked the idea of having a purpose in her life and thought that working gave her that.
While the patriarchal ideal of the man as a provider and nothing else has been a large part of my life, my mom has taught me that a man’s identity rests upon the second-class status of a woman. From the sacrifices my mom has made I see that being a man and a father should be about a lot more than providing money for the family: it also entails being emotionally available and attached to your family. I cannot complain about my childhood, but I do wish that my dad had learned this and branched out from his own experiences; maybe my mom could have gone back to work then. Young people today seem to have a greatly different experience than my dad’s upbringing. My mom’s dreams have taught me a great respect for her, the work that she does for our family and others, and for other women. Yet it is only if men work with women to change the culture we live in that will create a better future for all people.
