Photo Courtesy of Sara Abbazia.
Ah geez. There’s a lot to say and no real good way to say it, so, here it goes.
When I first came to Conn, I wasn’t very happy. I thought that college would be the place where I could finally start becoming the person I was meant to be. The problem was that I barely knew who I was in the first place.
In high school, all I remember being taught was to achieve. If you work hard now, you won’t have to work hard later, so you can save the fun stuff for later. As a result, when I came to college, the work was easy, but everything else– living away from home, making new friends, facing problems by myself– was not. I was pretty mad at my high school guidance counselors– I mean, why did they tell me to worry so much about SAT and ACT test scores instead of what to do if you think a mouse is in your room?
Another annoying aspect of high school was that our teachers made us worry so much about being fully self-dependent. “No, I won’t read over your essay– you think your college professors are going to read drafts of your essays?” Yes, actually– a lot of professors are willing, even happy, to read over your essay drafts! Since Conn is a small school, a lot of professors love to chat with students after class or during office hours. You’re allowed, and in fact encouraged, to ask for help.
The final lesson I had to learn was that no one was harsher on me than me. I thought that I should only speak up if I had something absolutely brilliant to say, or that I should only bother someone if I had a really dire question. Nope! It took a long time to realize that I didn’t have to be perfect 110% of the time, or even 90% of the time. Sometimes, people are just grateful that you showed up and tried (and oftentimes, the fact you tried at all is already making someone very happy). The first time I wrote for The College Voice, I received so much positive feedback from friends and even professors, and I wrote that article at the very last minute and in an hour. Now, I’m an editor for the paper. Crazy, right?
I think the best example of the whole not-needing-to-be-perfect thing is my senior year. I’m going to be honest with you right now: I just handed in an honors thesis yesterday. Was I not working on it until the last minute? Yes. Did I submit the final copy three minutes before the deadline? Absolutely. Does my brain feel like mush? You bet!
But the thing is, I did it. It may not be perfect and while I was proofreading it yesterday I may have laughed so hard I started crying and asked myself, why am I putting myself through this, this is honestly one of the worst things I’ve ever read! But there were some sections that I was really proud of that even made my cynical little brother, who was helping me proofread for moral support and kept making sarcastic comments, snap his fingers in appreciation.
It’s kind of like when I applied to become a Student Adviser sophomore year. At first, I didn’t want to do it, and I only signed up because Dean Morash said it was a good idea. Then, there were parts that were painfully awkward, like being in a group of people I didn’t know and being forced to make small talk. Eventually, however, I got over my initial shyness, met a lot of cool people, and had a lot of fun running Orientation. It wasn’t 100% perfect, but I am so grateful to this day that I did it.
Writing this senior editorial has been like that. After finishing that 60-70 page thesis, I wasn’t sure that I knew how to read anymore, much less write. Typing this short little article has been surprisingly difficult, and the little anxiety gremlin that lives in my brain keeps telling me that people are going to hate this piece because it sounds like it was written by a Buzzfeed employee, and I know I can do better writing than this. I ignore her, however, because sometimes trying and failing is better than not trying at all.
My advice for everyone remaining at Conn is simple: fail. I’m dead serious. I mean, please don’t fail your classes, but try to do something that you think you can’t do, whether that’s writing an honors thesis, starting your own business, or becoming Tik Tok famous. Try something new, and if it doesn’t work the first time, readjust and try again.
If I could go back and time and talk to my first-year self, I would say that it’s okay not to have all the answers, and it’s okay if you aren’t always perfect. Go out there, change the world, and write for The College Voice.
