Photo courtesy of Nefertari Pierre-Louis.
- Cough
By now we’ve all been that guy, you know the one. The guy clenching his fist, stiff-necked and shaking, looking clinically insane because he’d rather choke in silence than cough in public. The pandemic has canceled coughing indefinitely––I haven’t coughed in nine months. The manner in which people clear the room as if you said “I didn’t vote” is simply unbearable. When was the last time you coughed and didn’t get the “I will literally end you” stare from everyone in your proximity? Have you or a loved one been cough-shamed within the past month? Do your spring allergies result in the police being called? Did that mother tell her son “Let’s go Jason, he’s sick” after you coughed in the HomeGoods candle isle? If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you’re officially living in the age of Covid-19. As far as coughing goes, just don’t do it, or whatever Nike said.
- Hug
Remember that comforting act of love and appreciation we used to engage in? I believe it’s called a hug. It’s been absent from our daily lives for quite some time and it’s having a negative effect on my social skills. If you’re abiding by Covid-19 distancing laws, which you should be, seeing your friends has never been weirder.
I’m sure we’ve all been that girl, you know the one. The girl walking up to her pal, getting close enough to hug but awkwardly dangling her arms to her sides instead. “How the hell do I greet this human?” she thinks. The “almost hug” is the strangest interaction you’ll ever have because neither you nor your friend knows what’s appropriate. Just last week I foolishly attempted to hug an old classmate only to receive a “Woah, that’s not allowed” and a “do I know you?” As far as hugging goes, 15 minutes of contactless conversations can save you 15% on getting Covid…or whatever the lizard said.
- Examine Faces
The new age “mask reveal” has caused many of us a great deal of anxiety. Remember when we used to see faces? It was nothing out of the ordinary to know exactly how a person looked when they walked past you. In a world of masks and shields, we suddenly have no clue what facial features lie behind Covid protection. Taking off your mask becomes an epiphany for new people in your life. There’s no doubt we’ve all been that person (they/them), you know the one. The they who hasn’t been maskless around their new friends, but will soon reveal themself over lunch. The nerves that come with not knowing how they friends will react to they face are overwhelming. As the mask is removed everyone looks up and says “what the f*uck?” Just kidding, the friends act normal, because there’s nothing weird about your face, you look great! Don’t fear the mask reveal, own it. Never Eat Self Consciously Around Classmates, or whatever NESCAC stands for.
- Run To Class
I know the majority of us miss the in-class, hands-on, maskless setting. But do any of us actually long for the days of running to class when late? For the past several months, we’ve all been doing the roll-hop out of bed to scoot into a chair two feet away and launch Zoom. Rumor has it some people don’t even get out of bed, they log on, turn off their camera, and continue sleeping. To be clear, this isn’t true of Conn students. To any administrators who may be reading this, if a Zoom camera is off there is definitely NOT a sleeping student behind it. That’s Middlebury activity. Who knows, perhaps some of you actually liked the high-adrenaline rush of getting up late, throwing on clothes, banging your toe on your bed stand, shoving food down your throat, slapping your face with water, forgetting 99% of your class materials (including that homework assignment), and running to your 9 am at 9:06. Personally, I could go without that form of exercise for a couple more years. To quote that plant-based influencer who posted a black screen and never talked about social justice again, “running is not it.”
- Party
Zero partying is a result of Covid-19 we must respect as college students, and more imperatively, as considerate human beings. Of course, we all miss the glorious nights of abandoning our worries and drinking ungodly amounts of…water. A party here and there is simply the college experience, but we have to acknowledge the reality of these times. The coronavirus is not strep throat, it won’t go away with ginger tea. The virus is taking lives, disproportionately the lives of marginalized people, and I can’t find a way to joke around it. Parties equate to Covid cases and every individual does not survive Covid. When you host a function, you’re facilitating an environment in which someone can lose their life or suffer various complications for the rest of their life. Please listen to Dean Arcelus, our very own Dr. Fauci. You don’t look cool partying, you look shameful and privileged risking your life and the lives of others. “The party don’t start till Covid ends” – Ke$ha.
