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Leaked Housing Memo Reveals Alternative Living Options for ‘22-’23

Photo courtesy of Catja Christensen.


Dear Camels,

 

It is hard to believe we are already preparing for fall move in! In the spring, the campus community received a message that we would welcome a large Class of 2026. During that time, our office was not able to guarantee housing for every student, and we apologize for the stress this may have caused. Luckily, we are ready to unveil alternative housing options for the 2022-2023 school year!

 

Buck Lodge

The cobwebs have been swept from every corner of cozy Buck Lodge. Remember sleepaway summer camp? The one you begged your parents not to send you to but they did and unbeknownst to them you developed a homoerotic relationship with the counselor who was one year older than you, forever altering the trajectory of your life? So sweet, right? This building, nestled in the heart of our campus arboretum, will remind you of that fabulously confusing time in your life. Twenty bunk beds will be lined up along the walls, perfect for sleepy time singalongs. Just remember not to try to start the fireplace!

 

Chapel Tower

Never set an alarm clock again! The Chapel Tower offers great views of Chapel Green from the sole stained glass window the size of your head. You will view the field and Knowlton rear in screaming reds, finally understanding what the world would look like through “rose-colored lenses.”

 

(The Office of Accessibility says we are legally obliged to warn students this housing arrangement may impair hearing, health, and sanity.)

 

The Third Train Car on the Boston to New London Roundtrip Amtrak

This living arrangement is the result of a beautiful alliance between the Conn community and local Amtrak. For students living here, your dorm will only be available between the hours of 11:30 pm and 7:30 am, when the train is traveling between Boston and New London. The rest of the time, enjoy your beautiful beachfront property with picture windows. Just make sure to get off the train before it gets moving!

 

Harris Kitchen 

Miss waking up the smell of mom flipping pancakes on Sunday morning? Never feel homesick again in this new dorm! The scent of powdered eggs being mass-produced into pillowy chunks will fill your room before that 8 am alarm even goes off. Amenities include air freshener, Cro meal vouchers, and furry friends! (But shhh about the last part).

 

The College Voice Office

Don’t worry about displacing these club members—all they do in there anyway is type! While they do that from literally anywhere else, you will have access to four Macs (2 of which work); an outdated AP Stylebook guide; and a charming little window that opens out into the 1962 Room. What could be better?

 

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