An example of ice sailing. Photo from web.
It’s no secret that Conn has been trying to spruce itself up this past year. With the construction of the new science building, the revamping of Harris and the opening of Jazzman’s Café, Conn has gone all out—and spent a ton of money—on its new facelift. But since we’re improving our look, I think it’s about time we improve some other things around here.
1. Coffee Grounds Delivery Service. Have you ever been sitting in your room, listening to Neon Indian, and got a craving for a chai latte but were too lazy to leave Larrabee to go to Coffee Grounds? Admit it, we’ve all been there. With a Coffee Grounds Delivery Service, you wouldn’t have to bother slipping into your skinny jeans and leather shoes. An irritated Camel in an army jacket would just show up at your door with your order and a pack of cigs. The only downside to this: you forfeit the whole super-chill, artsy atmosphere of CG with its mellow tunes and interesting clientele.
2. An ice-yachting team. One might think with its abundance of Sperry Top-Siders, Vineyard Vines and J. Crew attire, that Conn might as well start a yacht club. Why not take it one step further with an ice-yachting team? Yes, this is a real sport, according to Wikipedia. In ice-yachting, one races iceboats. How badass is that? Answer: Pretty badass. I’ve already inquired about reserving the pond in the Arbo for practices in the winter months, and asked the sailing team to start attaching long blades to the bottoms of their boats.
3. A guard in the Tower. If we’re going to have an area of campus called the Tower, we need a guard, and not just a campus security officer who hangs around Freeman. We need a hired man, dressed in a full body armor suit and skilled in the art of jousting. In other words, we need a knight. While we’re at it, we should build a moat around Freeman and JA, throw a dragon in Cummings and place a Sphinx at the end of the bridge to the AC that will ask Conn students and New London gym-goers to answer a riddle before going to work out. If you fail, you have to slay the dragon.
4. A class on underwater basket weaving. Everyone always jokes about this “class,” but who actually offers it? Reed College does, apparently. I’ve always been curious as to how to simultaneously make fine wares while SCUBA diving, but rather than transfer to Reed, I say Conn should hire a trained professional and make this silly concept the most rigorous major offered here.
5. Wi-Fi that works (everywhere, all the time). Okay, all joking aside, this one is serious. The Wi-Fi on this campus sucks. It sucks in Cro. It sucks in the Plex. It sucks in Blaustein. I’m not going to pretend I understand how invisible waves connect my computer to the Internet, but come on, Conn, can’t we get some decent Wi-Fi up in this place? There aren’t that many of us on campus, and we’re usually not all trying to access the Internet at once, unless we’re registering for classes (and that’s a whole other pain in the ass).
6. A giant plastic bubble. Everyone always refers to Conn as “the bubble,” since we are our own little civilization on a hill, separated from the rest of New London. So why haven’t we just taken the school and encased it in a giant plastic bubble yet? We joke about it all the time, but now it’s time to make it real, before the upcoming winter months. Just think—no rain, no snow, no plentiful supply of oxygen and no contact with the outside world. Two of these changes seem worthwhile.
7. Paint over all graffiti and wall art. Conn is a liberal arts school, which means we don’t promote creativity or innovation. We should squash every form of student expression seen on campus—since we’ve already painted over the tunnel, why not knock down Cummings and replace it with a Wal-Mart? In fact, every student seen with a can of spray paint should be sent to Honor Council. Let’s make sure the walls of this campus look bland from North to South, above and below ground.
8. Plex dogs. If Larrabee can have adorable cats roaming around their green, the Plex should be allowed to have dogs. Specifically, three large pitbulls planted in the Lambdin-Morrison lobby, to greet students as they enter the building. For exercise, they can chase the Wright-Park dumpster cats and the skunks that, I swear, have looks of vengeance in their eyes this year. We can feed them off of Harris scraps, and cuddle with them in the common rooms.
9. Move Putto to the Arbo. In no way do I want to disrespect the sculpture that resides outside of Blaustein, but that thing is creepy, and I hate walking by it on my way to class every day. Being an English major, Blaustein is like a second home to me, and Putto is like an annoying guest that will never leave—an annoying guest with no face and crazy limbs. If we stick it among the trees in the Arboretum and create a sign with a fake plant name, no one will notice the difference.
10. A herd of Camel statues. For anyone who hasn’t heard of CowParade, let me quickly explain. A bunch of artists paint designs on cow statues that reflect the towns in which the cows are placed. Each year, one or multiple cities participate in the event, and the cows are auctioned off at the end. Instead of cows, we should have student and professional artists decorate camel statues and place them around campus, in places like Harris, Palmer, Cro, the AC, Blaustein, the Arbo, etc. I’m almost completely serious about this idea. If anyone wants to paint a camel, let me know, so I can drop out of my classes and start making the statues. •
Reed doesn’t actually offer a class on underwater basketweaving, a couple of times in the past students organized fake classes where they made baskets while standing in the shallow end of the pool, but that was in the 1980’s, anything was possible then.
Melanie, your articles are splendid.