Dear Ann Marsh Daly,
I do like your sex column for its enjoyably informative sex tips, anatomical explications, and general strategy to open up our Camels to be more accepting and perhaps even more exploratory in regards to sexual activity. However, I have some problems with one particular article. Your advice on “ass play” seemed rather disharmonious to the disgustingness of the ass and what creeps inside of it. In our culture the asshole is one of the more repugnant areas of the human body, and I believe we should make sure that it stays unclean instead of turning it into a playground.
Were the ass to be asked to be clean at all times, there would result a not so trifling consequence. The ass is arguably the last bastion of human filth that our society has allowed us to possess, and I believe we need to defend our right as naturally grimy beasts by taking a stand against rampant ass play.
The ass, as our dark hole of excretion, serves to let us know of the success, or failure, of our diet. It does so in a manner which may appear revolting at first, but the scents emerging are mere reminders of healthy digestion. Thus, they are somewhat gratifying, and they help us remember this great principle: we eat to poop, and in turn, we poop to eat.
This transitive nature of the function of ass applies neither to the mouth, which we have tarnished with tooth paste, nor to the armpits, which we have defiled with deodorant. Must we forsake all our slovenly habits for the sake of backdoor stimulation?
All that being said, I realize that asses are fun to play with, and for this reason I would suggest that the health center begin distributing ass condoms. Whatever that means I’ll leave to the scientists.
If you must lick a poophole, do it in a way that respects your partner’s God-given right to a dirty butt.
Sincerely,
Jake Schnaidt
