The Camels Hump: Talking Head

Do women know that a lot of men like getting head more than having sex? Do they know that lack of head or poor quality of head can be a factor in the decision to break up?

-Seeking Oral Love

Your first question, SOL, is a universal problem.

There is a particularly troubling truth that should be brought to the male students of this campus, and which we have been discussing with multiple femalemembers of the college community.

Head is important. Numerous women have confided to us that they have broken up with men because they did not get head, or did not get good head.

We feel that many men are unaware of this fixation for women. This is a very important part of our sex lives, like it or not. We feel that some men discount it, give up on it, or just want to have sex and think that makes up for it. The fact is, it doesn’t make up for it. Head is awesome and irreplaceable.

I suppose you can draw some comfort from this, as you are not alone.

Therefore, the most that we can offer you, being largely unsympathetic to your specific plight, is some advice to hopefully aid any female who offers your head-deprived self some relief. However, there is no right way to give head. The most we can give you, oh female (and gay) readers, is what not to do, courtesy of Cosmo.com:

-Slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off.

-He finds your hair super sexy, so while stimulating his member, take off your thong and tie it around your ponytail.*

-When you’re out on a hike with your man, slip a small, smooth stone into your pocket when he’s not looking. Then when you’re making love in an open field, retrieve the stone and gently press the small, smooth stone into the sensitive spot between his testicles and his anus. Guaranteed to drive him wild!

-Using a soft, clean makeup brush, lightly dust over his testicles, penis, inner thighs and abdomen in sweeping circular motions. It provides an enjoyable subtle sensation that’s stronger than a feather but lighter than your fingertips. Repeated circles on the scrotum will feel especially good.

-Rub a warm washcloth over his entire package, then swaddle his testicles in it.

* In an informal poll of three dudes wandering around Shain, one actually said he would not mind this. The other two said “I would think she was joking, and laugh out loud.” Do with this what you will.