Typical Saturdaze
As I was walking to a floor party last weekend I noticed something rather unusual. Three peers I know to be biology and chemistry majors were standing outside the library at 10 PM on Saturday night. With complete disregard for the upcoming MCATs (now only three-and-a-half years away), they had wandered down from their nooks on the third floor of Shain, and it appeared we were walking to the same floor party. This unprecedented coincidence seemed strange to me.
Was I unknowingly on my way to a biology/pre-med party?
This thought initially lead to a minor panic attack and bouts of nausea. I feared that the crippling boredom of such a party could have the potential to finally crush my tiny soul. But after giving it some more thought, I realized that this could be Conn’s next social revolution. I knew then the perfect way to diversify a routine Saturday night: department parties. With so many majors to choose from, the different parties would offer just about every social environment imaginable.
So let us take a look into the future of the Conn social scene.
Upon leaving your dorm you may want to start the night off right by heading over to the English major party. This get-together, held in the basement of Smith, is marked by black-rimmed glasses and unqualified pretension. These modern day Bohemians sure know how to party! Unfortunately it is only a byproduct of their belief that drinking will make their mediocre writing seem more cryptic and dark. If they really get plastered, they may even get that heart-warming sense of self-approval that can only stem from a positive comment by Blanche Boyd. You’ll know it’s time to head out when the discussion of Jane Austen begins.
The next stop on this already legendary night is the philosophy party. This might be the easiest party to find on campus because it is so darn loud! Surprisingly, this due not to music, but rather the combined voices of every single person in the party talking at the same time without any concern for anyone else. Never has a party so deftly combined the thrill of preachy lectures about irrelevant topics with such a glaring lack of original thought or knowledge. When the pounding headache starts to kick in, make sure you leave quickly, as these philosophy majors will be partying until all hours of the night due to their lack of real work or classes.
Word on the street is that there is a big dance major party tonight, too: so many vintage fashion accessories, so little time. When you get there, however, you learn that only dance majors are allowed in. You don’t seem to care and neither does anyone else. Through the window, though, you see a couple boxes of Franzia as well as an iPod dock playing “Girlfriend” by B2K featuring P. Diddy. This one ends early; they have rehearsal in the morning.
After hearing that the film studies party was cancelled due to the release of a new Wes Anderson film (not movie – film), you head over to the sociology party. This one is BYOB as these students are pinching every penny in preparation for their future of low wage jobs and the inability to make a real difference. Drinking games are not allowed at this shindig because the hosts believe that they perpetuate social inequality. By the end of the party you start to get the feeling that they think this about everything.
Next, you somehow decide that the music major party at Coffee Grounds isn’t worth going to. Maybe it was the jazz. It was probably the jazz.
Regardless, your next stop is the Slavic studies party. You quickly find out that this party does not exist.
Now it’s getting late and you have no idea what to do with your life. You are lost and looking to grasp on to something that seems legitimate and meaningful. That’s why the psychology department party is your next stop. When you get there and begin looking for the jungle juice, one psych major approaches you and says, “You know, you can have two cups of juice if you just press this button here, but it shocks a person on the other side of the wall.” You turn around and notice a two-way mirror behind you. You’ve been fooled into being a subject in a psych experiment.
The night is winding down. You hear about one last party.
You head to the lax house and are confused when it looks like a normal party. Then you realize that everyone there is an economics major, so nothing has really changed. Your night ends when everyone else heads to Exchange and/or Frank’s Place. There must be so much discussion of supply-side economics at those bars. •
As a Slavic Studies major, I’d just like to assure the author that, while infrequent, our parties are actually quite awesome, with discussions of the dark secrets of Dostoevsky and Stalin and maybe a little too much Russky Standart vodka.
The jokes are sloopy and usually reaching for low-hanging fruit. A fun idea that seems to get petty. Also, did a sociology major steal your girlfriend or something?