Don’t Do That!: Kiefer Roberts’ open letters to the campus community

Kiefer. Illustration by Alicia Toldi.

You and I both know it was only a matter of time before our paths crossed. In the interest of full disclosure, I don’t drive on campus. I find the rules to be absurd and the parking spaces difficult to find. However, something that I’ve witnessed (and that is severely pissing students off) is driving (HA) this week’s DDT: ticketing on the weekend.

I want to say that I sort of understand. There are only so many convenient spaces for faculty and staff to park, so you give them the entire section in front of Shain and Cro. That’s fine because it makes sense, and I’m into things that make sense. However, one of the brutal consequences of this is that my peers and I (I get driven a lot) are relegated to “gravel” and “dirt” lots. Really? Why are those even actual things? Maybe it’s understood that in gravel and dirt lots, students’ cars are way more likely to be dinged or scratched by some idiot pretending they’re Mayhem from Allstate, so you don’t want faculty to park there. So I guess I’m actually still kind of half there with you.

But where you lose many students entirely is ticketing on the weekends in front of Harris, Cro and Shain. I know some devoted professors, some of whom come in on the weekends to get work done, host lectures or help students, but not all professors are here. It’s not like faculty are driving around campus, desperately looking for a place to park on a Saturday evening. And it’s not even like we’re parking in President Higdon’s spot (God forbid).

Chances are, if student cars are outside of Harris between the hours of 10 AM and noon, they’re excited about the new daily specials at the deli and are trying to get some nutrition. Students’ cars outside of Cro on a Friday evening can probably be explained by a Friday Night Live or an ungodly desire for a breakfast sandwich. And giving students tickets because they’re parked outside of the library on a Sunday night at 1 AM makes about as much sense as wearing one of those hooded animal towels to, well, anywhere.

Oh, and by the way, I know a lot of students whose mindsets are something along the lines of Are these motherfuckers crazy?! Didn’t I just give you $150 so I could park here in the first place?!? And now you want to ticket me?! Ridiculous parking tickets in the face of doubling the parking fee seems exorbitant. I’m just saying, stop trying to squeeze juice from fruit that’s already been through a blender.

And if students are going to get unnecessarily ticketed on the weekends, I think we should have the opportunity to give citizens-arrest type tickets to those cars that creepily drive behind us on the walking paths. Uh, hi – this is a sidewalk in case you’ve become slightly confused, and I’d appreciate you not driving behind me. I know it certainly unnerves me, mostly because it’s awkward (am I supposed to move to the side? There’s yellow tape and signs on the grass, so I don’t want to disrespect someone’s work, or get skunk stank on my shoes) and I feel like I’m about to be asked if I’d like some candy or if I want to see someone’s puppy.

Sorry mister, my mom told me I couldn’t talk to strangers, especially the ones mowing people off of the sidewalk. I’m just asking you, C-Safe, not to kick someone when they’re already down. We’ve got other things to worry about besides frivolous parking tickets. Like that unnecessary open container write-up. Thanks.

Serving the Community,
Kiefer •