Welcome to April

College to throw Cro Dance-Themed Cro Dance this Saturday

Drawing by Emily Bernstein

The campus’ newest student organization, The Student Activities Council for Programming Activities (SACPA), has been allocated a total of seventeen dollars by SGA’s Finance Committee. They plan to spend every cent.

The group, which consists of an all-star panel of esteemed former J-Board chairs, will kick off the rest of the year with a Cro Dance-Themed Cro Dance.

Several members of the men’s cross country team, who plan to attend as a pack of freshman girls, were seen huddled over a table in Cro coordinating their outfits.

Said one freshman, “I plan to lie on the floor and be vomit.”

Other planned costumes include sweat, cleavage, regretful decisions and a lost North Face jacket. Students will grind the night away to DJ YZ@E: A DJ E@ZY Tribute Band. •

Guilt Ridden Students Turn Selves In by the Hundreds Following Weekend of Brazen Honor Code Violations

Over 900 students turned themselves in to the Guardhouse this past Sunday, on the basis that they had knowingly violated the nearly century-old Honor Code that binds social and academic life on campus.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” remarked Campus Safety Director Stewart Smith. “It’s like they’ve all finally realized the error of their ways.”

As the chapel bells struck one, snaking lines of hungover, self-admonishing students ringed the perimeter of Fanning.

“Dude,” explained one sophomore, “I really violated the sh*t out of the Honor Code last night.” His compatriots, some of them still wearing their clothes from the night before, nodded in agreement. “I drank underage,” he continued. “I had at least fifteen other underage people in my room, many of whom I served alcohol to. When that was done, I disabled my smoke detector, lit incense, and smoked marijuana. It was obscene.”

J-Board is expected to be in continuous session through the end of the semester. •

President Higdon Grows One Inch

Last Tuesday, Assistant to the President Wendy Mahon entered the office of Leo I. Higdon, Jr. and noticed an immediate difference. Her boss was sitting at his desk in his Herman Miller chair, as usual. His medallion was still sitting safely in its case. The Lichtenstein print behind his head had not moved, and the photographs of him grinning next to a camel mascot were intact. As she put a stack of headshots on his desk to be autographed, she looked down and realized what was different: both of his feet were planted firmly on the ground.

This growth was confirmed by a Health Center staffer who declined to be identified. “We take the President’s measurements each year to update the NESCAC Presidential Database,” she said.  “This year, I am happy to say, President Higdon has reached five foot, three inches.”

Latest updates on this issue can be found on the President’s twitter, Higlet100, which Mahon personally runs. •

Hipster Lacrosse Bro Faces Moral Dilemma, Collapses from Social Anxiety

Drawing by John Sherman

In a recovery room at Lawrence & Memorial Hospital last Saturday, Brent O’Connell ’12 sat up in bed and turned over the pre-release Godspeed You! Black Emperor EP on the turntable next to his bed. He leaned back, sighed, and resumed listlessly tossing a lacrosse ball between his hands.

“I was so bummed I couldn’t make it to the Brooklyn Masonic Temple last week ‘cause of tryouts,” O’Connell said of a recent performance in GY!BE’s current tour. “This girl I’ve been hooking up with went and she said it was totally Kafkaesque.”

O’Connell was hospitalized last Thursday after collapsing in the team locker room while attempting to remove his super-skinny acid-wash jeans. A teammate of his commented, “I saw him reach for his pinny, then I turned around again and he was just down.” Close friends and family say his collapse may have had something to do with the social pressure O’Connell has been under, as both a three-season athlete and, according to his sister, a “literally, rabid” fan of Radiohead.

“It’s like I have to be two people, you know? Like, when I’m with my boys they don’t want to listen to Neutral Milk Hotel, or talk about that documentary about Helvetica, they always want to listen to house and kill 30s of Natty.” O’Connell lit an Organic American Spirit, took one long, thoughtful drag, and added, “I thought my social versatility would be an asset.”

When asked about his return to Connecticut College, O’Connell winced, reached for his black Moleskine notebook, and said, “I’m just taking some ‘me’ time for now.” •

Office of Student Engagement and Leadership Education Stages Hostile Takeover of Cro

This past weekend, the College Center at Crozier-Williams was the site of a standoff between the Office of Student Engagement and Leadership Education and the student body. Scott McEver, Director of Student Activities at the Office of Student Engagement and Leadership Education, spearheaded the operation.

The Chair of the Student Activities Council was taken hostage around 10 AM on Saturday, and was held until a Campus Safety Segway S.W.A.T. Team was able to negotiate her release, roughly three hours later.

Of her ordeal, the chair had to say, “They locked me in the SOFO office. I didn’t know that door even opened.”

McEver and his primary accomplice, Jeanette Williams, attempted to communicate their demands using CollegiateLink, but no one was able to log in and read the ransom note Williams had pinned to the virtual bulletin board.

McEver and Williams were removed from the premises at 11:09 PM and detained in Nichols House at the South end of Campus. The two defended their actions by pointing out that the event had been scheduled and the space reserved through CollegiateLink more than two weeks in advance.

“We just wanted students to be more engaged,” Williams said on behalf of the Office of Student Engagement and Leadership Education. Added McEver, “And educated on issues of leadership.” •

Dining Hall Thefts Escalate As Students Begin Stealing Chairs, Tables

In the wake of record-high losses in mugs, knives and flatware, Dining Services has just released a new report indicating that a third of all eating surfaces and half of all seats have been covertly removed from Harris Refectory.

“We’re really quite troubled,” said Mike Kmek in an uncharacteristically emotional interview. “At least with the mugs, we saw it coming. With this, I mean…even the high chairs are getting taken.”

The report was issued on the same day three students made a thwarted attempt to steal the gluten-free foods refrigerator. Dining Services has since offered ‘total amnesty’ to all students willing to return pilfered furniture. “No questions asked,” promised Kmeck. •