YA! YA!
With four writing-intensive classes, editors’ positions on the newspaper, multiple CELS workshops, pressure to investigate study abroad options and a desire to have some sort of social life while also getting a full eight hours of sleep every night, we have decided that we have so much free time on our hands that we should find more ways to be involved on campus. In this quest (some may say “Connquest”) to find more extracurricular activities in which to participate, we realized there aren’t many other clubs that interest us. So we have developed a list of some clubs we would like to see form within the next year. (We are so serious that we will help raise funds to start these clubs. How does a “baked” sale sound? Probably not legal, but nothing profitable ever is.)
1. Quidditch: There has been talk about having a Quidditch team at Conn for as long as we’ve been at this school, but one has yet to form. Many muggles voice their frustration at the fact that our version of Quidditch is a poor representation of the wizard version, mainly because we can’t fly and we don’t have golden snitches, which is why we came up with a better idea.
2. Space Quidditch: This is exactly what it sounds like. We hand a bunch of people some broomsticks and send them on a shuttle to the moon. In a zero-gravity environment, muggle Quidditch is more realistic since everyone can fly. SGA is probably familiar enough with Harry Potter to fully support this idea.
3. Astronaut Club: If the Space Quidditch team is going to work, we’re going to need assistance from some trained astronauts (or some astrophysicist wannabees). Naturally, we are going to need a club specifically for future astronauts. After the new New London hall is built, we can re-hire the construction workers to build an anti-gravity chamber. Tempel Green isn’t used for much. We can stick it there.
4. Camelestrian Team: Why ride a horse when you could ride a camel? We mean the actual animal. Why not have a farm off campus that raises camels for Conn students to race in regional competitions? Camels riding camels. It would be beyond epic. Prizes should be awarded for the camel that can trot the fastest, spit the farthest and go the longest without taking a drink of water. Competitions may last anywhere from two hours to two weeks.
5. Sitconn Watching Club: Remember on The Cosby Show when the Huxtables met Stevie Wonder and Theo said “Jammin’ on the one?” and nobody knew what the hell that meant? The Sitconn Watching Club is for the people who got that reference. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Party Down might be great contemporary shows, but old sitcoms have canned laughter, predictable plots, mediocre acting, uninspired sets and locales, an overall lack of comedic value, cringe-worthy one-liners, tired catchphrases…you get the idea.
6. The Kite Runners Kite Flying: It’s good, clean fun. Just ask Bert from Mary Poppins. Some friends of ours have told us this is apparently already the title of some book. We may or may not have read it in high school…twice. Oh, well. It’s a quality name and we’re sticking with it.
7. Post-Hipster Club: Do you like wearing skinny jeans, listening to Fleet Foxes and drinking exotic tea out of mason jars? If so, you might qualify to join the Post-Hipster Club. (It’s called the post-hipster club because there are no more real hipsters.) Meetings are held at 2 AM Thursday mornings in the Barn. Bring your acoustic guitar or banjo, if you’re so inclined, and come learn about how to grow your own basil, further integrate the word “post-modern” into your everyday vocabulary and improve your apathetic attitude toward the world. There is no fee to join the club, but Pall Malls are always a welcome donation.
8. Ghostriding Club: Skeptics will tell you that “ghostriding the whip” is as dangerous as it is foolish, outdated and lame. Then again, that sounds like something we would say if we DIDN’T have the parking lot on smash. If you haven’t done the electric slide down Cro Boulevard while your Dad’s friend’s 2000 Toyota Corolla creeps beside you under seven miles per hour, you ain’t living.
9. Tae-Bo-Beaux-Chai Club: Bored with waking up every day, sipping on scalding hot chai tea from Harris and moseying to your early morning tae-bo class in Cro’s Nest? That’s a real thing people do, right? But if you answered yes, you should check out the Tae-Bo-Beaux-Chai Club—where tae-bo, chai tea and males singing A cappella are combined in a wonderful early morning energizer. If this doesn’t wake you up for your 8 AM chemistry class, nothing will.
10. The Mattress Surfing Club: Have you ever wanted to slide down a huge, fancy staircase on a mattress Princess Diaries 2-style? Have you ever watched Princess Diaries 2? You shouldn’t, but you should have a desire to mattress surf because it’s about one hundred times cooler than that movie. There are no threats of shark attacks, rip tides or swallowing sea weed and salt water. It’s just you, a mattress, a staircase and a desire to be rebellious. Embrace your inner ten-year-old and live a little.
If any one of these clubs ever forms at Conn, we expect a little bit of credit and special spots on the executive boards. You’re welcome students of Conn. Now, go forth and create new, interesting clubs. •
